


The Road To Recovery

by Marrilyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bruises, Comfort, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Flashbacks, Hugs, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Nightmares, Pain, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Rowena Gets A Hug, Rowena Needs A Hug, Rowena Whump, Sobbing, Suffering, Tears, Whump, Wounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-19 12:29:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11897763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marrilyn/pseuds/Marrilyn
Summary: Rowena escapes from Lucifer, but the torture is far from over. Recovery is hard, and reader is intent on helping her through it.





	1. Safety

One foot in front of the other.

That's what she's been telling herself ever since she escaped the hell-house that once used to be a luxurious hotel, and was now nothing but a painful reminder of what she'd gone through.

One foot in front of the other.

She could do it. She didn't come this far to give up. Just one foot in front of the other, step by step, and she would be safe. She repeated the mantra in her head as she entered the all too familiar apartment building, sighing in relief at the sight of the lift. Never before had she been so happy to see it!

Stepping inside, she leaned against the wall, lifting her right foot up to relieve her wounded sole of the pressure. In her hurry to escape, she had the misfortune to step on a piece of glass, cutting deep into the sensitive skin. It hurt like a bitch, but the pain of it couldn't compare to the pain _he_ inflicted on her just moments earlier. She would walk on glass, barefoot, for miles rather than go through that again.

Arriving on the desired floor, she limped through the dimly lit hallways, headed for the place she never craved as much as she did now. This building differed greatly from the opulent, high class hotels she'd been accustomed to. The tiny apartment was barely the size of a bathroom in the luxurious hotel rooms she loved to frequent. Despite all that, this place had its charm. It was small, yes. The neighbors tended to be nosy from time to time, and suspicious-looking people sometimes gathered in the parking lot. But it was home.

There weren't that many places Rowena could call home. Through her many centuries on this Earth, Rowena had been to many places, but none she'd ever stayed at long enough to call home.

Then she met you. Unlike all the other people she had met along the way, you had never once betrayed her. It took her a while to trust you. Experience had taught her not to trust easily for everyone she'd ever known had betrayed her one way or the other. Everyone except for you. A few times she'd tested you to see how far you were willing to go for her and you'd passed with flying colors each and every time. That was enough for Rowena to let her guard down around you and let you in on her deepest, darkest secrets. You were the only person who had the privilege of seeing her as she really was, at her best and at her worst, and everything that came in-between.

That was why she felt comfortable coming to you in this condition. You'd agreed to be apart while the British Men of Letters were still out there – or rather, Rowena insisted that she stay away from you due to her history with them, fearing they would come after her and hurt you. You objected to the idea, but the older witch's word was final. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if you were to get hurt because of her – but now that they were gone, she felt comfortable enough to return. There was still the case of Lucifer (Rowena shuddered at the thought of the devil), but unlike the British Men of Letters, he was a supernatural being. Your apartment was warded with various sigils and spells, and even if he were to find it somehow, the powerful magic would stop him from getting in. His power was predictable and could be stopped. The British Men of Letters, however, were a mystery. Nobody knew the extent to their technology. Rowena couldn't risk it.

She knocked on the heavy door, heart skipping a beat at the sound of footsteps approaching. She gave herself a quick look-over as she waited for you to open. Disheveled hair. Dark bruises on her face and arms. Raw wrists. A split in her upper lip that hurt whenever she'd take a breath through her mouth. Clothing she'd put on in a hurry hiding her battered body, covering the cuts and bruises much worse than the ones on her face and arms. You were going to freak out. Rowena knew how overprotective you could be. She just hoped you wouldn't ask too many questions for now she was in no mood to answer any.

All she wanted was to curl up and let it all out. Just cry and sob and weep until all the pain and frustration left her body, until the weakness and helplessness she loathed evaporated and left her at peace and she felt like herself again.

The first thing she would do, she decided, was get in the shower. She needed to wash away the filth that was him off her body. Tears welled up in her eyes as memories flooded her mind, her own screams and shouts ringing in her head like a never-ending echo.

"No!" she screamed, kicking her legs in attempts to throw him off.

His grip on her wrists tightened, the weight of his body holding her down. His lips widened into a smile, those icy blue eyes sparkling with evil, his chuckle a promise of dreadful things to come. The more she struggled, the more entertained and – she gulped at the thought – aroused he became. She could feel him on her thigh, hard and firm, ready for her. Ready to penetrate her walls despite her struggles and screams of no.

"Please, don't!" she begged, legs going limp under his weight. No matter how hard she fought, she could never beat him. Her tiny body was no match for his strong, massive one.

"Ooh, Rowena," Lucifer purred, her name falling from his lips with ease. There was a time when she thought it delicious. Now she would do anything to never hear him say it again. "I love it when you beg." He leaned down, his icy breath brushing against her skin. Rowena shivered, body twitching. Lips almost touching her ear, he whispered. "Do it again."

And she did. Again and again and again. But he never listened. Never once pretended to. He took her as many times as he pleased, her body nothing but a puppet for him to play with, to use and abuse to his heart's content.

The sound of the door opening brought Rowena back to reality. She gulped as her eyes settled on you, joy she hadn't felt in what seemed like ages filling her heart. She was safe. She knew that now.

"Rowena!" you exclaimed happily, your smile fading as you took in the mess of her clothes and hair. Noticing the bruises marring her face and arms, your smile faded, mouth falling open to form a shaken _O._ "Oh, my god! What happened?"

The look in your eyes told her everything she needed to hear. You would protect her, even at the cost of your own life. You would take care of her and hold her and tell her how much you loved her. Unable to keep everything in anymore, Rowena threw her arms around you, burying her head in your chest. Sobs ripped from her throat, tears soaking the soft fabric of your shirt.

You led her inside, locking the door before returning the hug, wrapping your arms firmly around her.

"Sweetheart, what happened? Who did this to you?" you asked, voice filled with concern. Rowena could tell you were barely holding it together, but you did your best to remain calm for her sake. She appreciated it; the last thing she needed right now, after everything that happened, was you freaking out. "Was it the Men of Letters? Did they hurt you?"

Rowena gave a light shake of her head, sob after sob escaping her trembling lips. She was grateful the apartment was magically sound proofed. You hearing her cry was one thing. The entire building bearing witness to her breakdown would be a massive blow to her pride.

If there was any pride left, that is. Lucifer had made sure to rid her of all dignity. If there was even a bit of pride he hadn't managed to touch, she couldn't feel it. Not right now. What was there to be proud of, anyway? Her soul was in pieces. Her body was broken. She couldn't even bring herself to speak a word to you.

"Who was it, then?" you inquired, fury staining your tone. "Say the name and I'll end them."

If the situation wasn't so dire, Rowena would have laughed. While you were a powerful witch, your power was nowhere near Rowena's. Lucifer had done this to her, the most powerful witch alive. She couldn't even imagine what he would do to you if he was to ever get his hands on you.

As ridiculous as your words sounded, Rowena was glad to have someone like you in your life. You had no knowledge of what had happened. For all you knew, Rowena may have deserved her wounds. Yet your first instinct was to hold her and threaten whatever it was that hurt her. You cared about her more than anyone ever had. It didn't matter that you couldn't possibly make good on your threat; Rowena knew, if given the chance, you would go against Lucifer, bare handed if you have to, for the sole purpose of avenging her. You loved her that much.

"You can't," Rowena whispered, the word muffled by her sobs.

She couldn't bear the thought of losing you. She was a vengeful creature, herself, but in this case, she was more than happy to let the devil go and keep on with her life as if nothing had ever happened. It would be difficult at first, but with time she would manage it. She had you by her side to help her along the way.

You once told her nothing could hurt either of you as long as you were together. Rowena wanted to believe it was true. No – she _had to_ believe it! If she wasn't safe with you by her side, what even was the point of living? She was sick of running, sick of hiding in the shadows and carefully calculating her every move. With you in her life, she didn't have to be afraid anymore. She didn't have to fear strangers and worry what troubles tomorrow might bring. With you she could be herself. If that meant hiding in this tiny apartment for the rest of eternity, so be it. As long as you were with her, she could live through anything.

"I can try," you told her. If only it were that easy, Rowena thought. If only the two of you could say a few magic words and have Lucifer disappear forever. It was a lovely, comforting fantasy, but this was real life. Nothing was ever easy in reality.

Rowena shook her head, tightening her hold on you. _Don't leave,_ she silently begged as her fingers curled into your shirt, holding on for dear life. Words she couldn't bring herself to say out loud swirled in her mind, a hurricane of need and sorrow. _Stay with me. I need you. Please, don't leave me._

"It's okay, sweetheart," you told her as more sobs left her mouth, tears spilling from her eyes like a downpour. Your palms gently tapped her back and you leaned to press a kiss to her hair. "It's going to be okay. You're safe. I got you. I got you, sweetie. They can't hurt you anymore."

You were right. He couldn't hurt her anymore. Not here, not now that she was back in your arms. She never should have left in the first place. She thought she was keeping you safe by going away, but the only thing she managed to do was get herself into trouble.

But that was all over now. She was safe now, away from danger. It was just her and you and the wardings – countless, countless wardings in the form of sigils and spells, some as old as time itself. Nothing could break through those.

"Come sit, let me have a look at your wounds," you said.

"No," Rowena said. At least not yet. First she had to wash the devil off her. What would you say if you were to see traces of him on her? Would you be mad? She told him no countless of times and struggled against him as much as she could, but the fact that she'd been with him remained. She betrayed your trust.

Back when she was chasing rich men for money, you gave her your blessings, proudly playing the part of a loving daughter who was happy that her mother had finally found a man worth her time. This time was different. You hadn't agreed to her being with Lucifer. You hadn't even agreed to her being in the same room with him. Hell, you opposed this entire separation thing in the first place.

Rowena doubted you would want to nurse her back to health if you were to find out she'd betrayed your trust in the worst way possible. For now it had to be a secret. She hated lying to you, but she was so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of tears and pain and everything else that came along with them. All she wanted was for you to hold her. She needed you to be here and take care of her. It was the only way she could survive this nightmare.

"I'm going to take a shower."

"Are you sure? Shampoo and open wounds don't mix well together," you said.

Rowena nodded. "Aye."

Much to her surprise, you gave a light nod of your own. She expected you to argue, like you always did when it came to things like this. Your overprotectiveness could at times be both a blessing and a curse.

"Okay, if that's what you want," you said. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"There is no need," Rowena replied. "Get me a nightgown, would you?"

"Of course. Anything you need." You stepped back from the hug, gently cupping her cheeks as to not hurt her. Laying a light kiss to her cheek, just underneath a cut, you whispered: "I love you, Rowena."

Rowena's eyes watered once again. _You wouldn't love me if you knew what I've done._ "Me, too," she said. You couldn't even imagine how much she loved you. She thought the ability had disappeared over the centuries, but, it turned out, it had always been there. She just hadn't found anyone worth loving in a very long while. When you came into her life, you awakened all those feelings she'd long forgotten.

Giving you a quick hug, she limped over to the bathroom. Locking the door behind her, she took her clothes off, practically throwing them off her into a messy pile in the corner, to be thrown away later. She had no desire to wear any of them again. The reek of that place, of _him,_ was strong on them. The state of her body brought her to tears again, the mirror painting a picture she couldn't bear to look at. She was more black and blue than fair. The cut on her foot was deep, blood still seeping out of it, pooling on the bright white tiles she stood on. She gagged as the stink of crusted blood mixed with the smell of Lucifer attacked her nostrils, flashing back to that cursed hotel room.

Stepping into the shower, she wept inconsolably, letting the water muffle her pained cries. Things would never be the same again. Her body would heal, but her mind would always bear the scars the devil had inflicted on her.

That was the kind of filth water couldn't wash away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editor: [OswinTheStrange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OswinTheStrange/).


	2. Bruises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to thank everyone for reading, commenting, and/or leaving kudos. It's much appreciated!

In almost two years of knowing – and a little over a year of dating – Rowena, you thought you had seen it all. The Mega Coven fiasco, the insane banter she had with Crowley, the whole falling for Lucifer thing neither of you liked to talk about, pretending to be mother and daughter to lure rich, old men… It had been quite a crazy ride, but none of that could compare to her showing up at your door beaten and bloody.

The first emotion that stirred inside you as your eyes fell upon her was concern. She leapt into your arms like a child in need, holding on for dear life. You wasted no time in returning the hug. Once you got her inside and locked the door to ensure safety, you wrapped her in a hug just as tight, a silent promise to protect her. You didn't know who – or what, for that matter – had hurt her like that, but instinct screamed at you to protect her at every cost.

That was exactly what you promised yourself to do. You didn't care if the person who hurt her was as powerful as God himself. You would make them pay for every wound they had inflicted on her – or die trying to.

There were times when you wished you weren't as overprotective of her as you were.

This wasn't one of them.

You tended to overdo it at times, treating her more like a child than your lover. Rowena hated it, but at the same time she appreciated having someone care about her after centuries of solitude. Now, as she wept into your shirt like an inconsolable little girl, you could tell it was your protectiveness that she craved. She needed you to take care of her, to hold her and love her and keep the monster that had harmed her away.

That brought up your second emotion – anger. It mixed into concern and only rose as you listened to her sob in the bathroom. Water dripping from the shower could only muffle so much. Tears burned at your eyes, but you held them back, taking deep breaths until you were sure none would sneak past your defenses and slide down your cheek. You needed to be strong for Rowena. She needed you now more than ever. You had to be her rock, her strength, someone she could depend on to pull her from the darkness back into the light. You couldn't do that if you let weakness take over.

Setting her black, lacy nightgown on the couch, you set about rummaging the drawers, gathering up the supplies you would need to tend to her wounds. You laid everything atop the coffee table, hoping there would be enough. The wounds on Rowena's face and arms were the only visible ones. There was no doubt in your mind that underneath her clothing there were plenty more, perhaps even worse ones, than needed tending to. Her limp appeared painful, despite her tries not to show it. You hoped nothing was broken. Cuts and bruises you could deal with. Broken bones not so much.

 _You will be okay, sweetheart,_ you promised, more for your own peace of mind than anything else. You couldn't take the full extent of her pain away, but you could make it hurt less. You could make _her_ hurt less. She wasn't alone anymore. She didn't have to suffer in silence and heal all on her own. You would be here along the way and make her as comfortable as her state allowed. She would be loved and cared for and, most important of all, safe. Whoever hurt her couldn't get her here.

The ring of your phone shook you out of your thoughts. You sighed in irritation at the sound of that particular ringtone, the name flashing on the screen confirming your dreaded suspicions. Sam Winchester calling was never good news.

Once upon a time, before fully embracing your magical nature, you used to hunt with the Winchester brothers from time to time. You'd met them on a hunt and, after bumping into one another a few times following your first meeting, you'd become friends. Being alone for most of your life, it felt good to finally have someone you could rely on, someone who would come whenever you'd call and look after you in times of need.

Everything changed when Sam had asked you to babysit Rowena. You'd never agreed with him keeping her prisoner. You wanted to get the Mark of Cain off of Dean as well, but not at the expense of someone else. Rowena was a person just like everyone else. She may have had magic and done bad things, but she was a person and she didn't deserve to be kept in prison when, as it turned out, she would have helped without the chains keeping her bound.

Spending time with her felt right. It was her that convinced you to embrace your magic. With the Winchesters you had to hide your dark side. With her you could be yourself. You admitted to her that the only reason you hunted was the thrill of the kill. You'd ran out of people to get revenge on, so you decided to get revenge for others. Sam and Dean would have judged, perhaps even killed, you for that. Rowena, on the other hand, loved that side of you.

You told her how you sometimes feared your magic for it tended to go out of control rather easily. She told you not to be and had offered to teach you to control it.

Sam being the only one who had the key to her chains, you couldn't release her, so you did your best to make her as comfortable as possible, given her predicament. Once she set herself free, you followed her into a new life. It wasn't easy to leave Castiel and Crowley behind, especially when Rowena cast the Attack Dog spell on the angel and sicced him on the Kind of Hell. Crowley tried to get you to stay, to help him, but you had made your choice.

The choice you hadn't regretted since.

After that you and the brothers drifted apart. You were still on friendly terms, but now, whenever they called, you knew it wasn't to go out for coffee. They needed help with magic, Rowena's more than yours. And the kind of help they needed ended up getting her in trouble more often than not. Rowena insisted it was fine, saying it was a good thing to be owed by the Winchesters, but you had your doubts. You'd rather her be safe with you than get into danger with them.

You'd lost her enough times to take your time with her for granted.

"Hello," you answered, voice as friendly as it always was whenever you'd talk to them. Just because you weren't friends anymore didn't mean you couldn't be civil.

"Hi, Y/N," Sam said nervously. There was a tinge of something in his voice that you couldn't put your finger on.

"Rowena's not here," you said. The lie fell from your lips with ease. There was no way in hell you were letting them rope her into something in her current condition. What she needed was rest, not danger.

"I know," he said, prompting you to frown. How the hell could he know that? "That-that's why I'm calling."

"Yeah?"

Sam took a deep breath. "She's, um… I don't know how to tell you this, but… Lucifer's free."

"What do you mean, Lucifer's free?!" you screeched. A thud sounded in the bathroom and the door slightly opened, Rowena's tear-filled eyes meeting yours. Wrapped in a towel, she stood still, frozen, her hand gripping the handle so tight her knuckles turned white. Swallowing, she turned her head away, leaning against the doorframe for support. You could tell she was trying her hardest to stop the new batch of tears from spilling down her face.

Had Lucifer been the one who hurt her? Had he found her and tortured her? Pain and anger and concern tugged at your racing heart, your own eyes filling up with tears. This wasn't happening. The devil was not on the loose. He couldn't be. _Hell, no!_ He couldn't be out.

"It's a long story," Sam continued, shattering all your hopes of him telling you it was just a cruel joke.

Looking around, you wondered if the wardings would be able to keep a being such as him out. Lucifer wasn't just any common beast – he was an archangel, one of the most powerful beings alive. What if he managed to break through the wardings and sense your and Rowena's presence?

"He killed Rowena," Sam said after taking another deep breath for courage.

"What?" You instinctively looked at Rowena, relief flooding your veins at the confirmation that she was okay – as okay as a severely injured person can be. "But–"

_But she's alive._

_But she's here._

_But I held her._

_But I love her._

"He answered her phone and… He killed her, Y/N."

"But he didn't," you whispered, more to yourself than to him.

"We heard it happen, Y/N. She's dead. I'm sorry."

They heard it happen? A few tears slid down your cheeks. Not only had Lucifer tortured her – he'd also had the Winchesters listen to her cries. How wicked can one person be? No, you told yourself. Not a person. A monster. That's what Lucifer was. A complete and utter monster rid of any capacity for kindness.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"You deserve to know. And…"

You sighed. _Of course._ "And you need something."

"I'm sorry. We–"

"I don't know how to put him back in the cage," you said before he could ask. "She never taught me."

"Do you know anything?"

"I know that you need to leave me alone," you said, swallowing hard. How could he ask that of you after telling you such news? You had much more important things to do than get involved in things you never wanted any part of. There was a person in your home in need of assistance. If you were going to help anyone, it was going to be her.

"Y/N–"

"Please," you squeaked, hating how weak you sounded. You were supposed to stay strong for Rowena, yet here you were, a moment away from crying your eyes out. "I can't talk to you right now."

"I understand." He sighed. "Y/N? I really am sorry."

He may have called out of necessity, but you knew he was sincere. The Winchesters were hunters and you were a big bad witch dating a bigger, worse witch, but that didn't mean there had to be bad blood between you. If there was one thing you'd learned throughout the years, it's that not many things in life are black and white. Most of the time they're outstandingly grey.

"Thank you."

Setting the phone down on the coffee table, you took a deep breath to compose yourself, willing the rest of your tears not to fall. There would be time for crying later. Right now you had someone to take care of, someone who needed you more than anything in the world.

"Was it Lucifer?" you asked just to be sure, struggling to keep your voice from shaking. Even the thought of that monster laying his hands on your girl made your blood boil. "Did he hurt you?"

Rowena looked away, staying silent for a long moment. "Aye," she finally said. Tears spilled from her eyes, coloring her already reddened cheeks a dark rose. Voice shaking, lips trembling, she continued: "He found me and…"

You didn't wait for her to finish. You weren't sure you wanted her to finish. Considering the state she was in, and the cruelty of the devil, you didn't even want to imagine what he had done to her while you sat cooped up in your apartment. Walking over to her, you pulled her into a tight embrace. She pressed her forehead against your chest, the wet tips of her hair cold against your hands.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," you whispered, heart aching with compassion for her. You couldn't even imagine what she went through. Last time he'd chained her up and threatened her. This time, it seemed, he'd attempted to make good on his threats – but not before having some fun first. Lucifer was a cruel creature. Like a cat, he liked to viciously toy with his food before killing it. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm alive, aren't I? I outsmarted the devil. Again," Rowena said, more to herself than you.

"You did," you confirmed. "You're a survivor. He underestimated you."

She nodded, letting out a whimper. "Was that the Winchesters?"

"Sam, yeah. He called to tell me you were dead." Even the words made you shiver. You couldn't imagine what you would do if they happened to be true.

"Does he…?"

_Does he know that I'm alive?_

"I didn't tell him anything."

"Good," Rowena said.

You'd asked her to teach you how to put the devil back in the cage a few times, and her answer had always been the same: it's too dangerous. Looking at Rowena now, you knew she was right. If the devil had even an inkling of a doubt that you knew how to send him back, he would waste no time in getting rid of you. He preferred to deal with threats before they became a problem. In this case, ignorance truly was bliss.

That meant that Rowena was alone in fearing him, but you understood her desire to protect you. If roles had been reversed, you would have done the same thing.

"Come here, let me have a look at your injuries," you said, stepping back from the hug. Linking your arm through hers, you helped her to the couch. She limped heavily; from the way she favored her left foot, you guessed her right one must have been hurt in some way. The trail of blood she left as she walked confirmed your suspicions.

Plopping down into a chair opposite her, you gently put her foot in your lap. A large cut spread across her sole. From the looks of it, it was pretty deep. It astounded you that she was able to walk, given the severity of the injury. The pouring blood soaked your leggings, gluing the stretchy fabric to your skin, but you paid it no mind. You could always wash it off. Rowena wasn't so lucky.

"What happened here?" you asked as you worked on cleaning and disinfecting the wound.

"Glass," Rowena said, hissing as you accidentally pressed on the injury a bit too tight.

Muttering an apology, you said: "Did you take all of it out?"

Rowena nodded.

"Are you sure?"

Another nod.

Sighing in relief, you wrapped her foot up in a bandage as carefully as you could. You moved to the rest of her injuries, disinfecting and bandaging every gash and laceration you could find. Looking at her black and blue body shattered your heart into a million pieces. This wasn't what a human being was supposed to look like. This wasn't what Rowena, your girl, the love of her life, was supposed to look like.

As you worked, you took notice of the way she held the towel to her body. One of her hands remained on her thighs, pressing the soft fabric against it, as if to hide something. Were there injuries she didn't want you to see?

"I'm gonna need you to remove the towel," you said as gently as you could once you finished up with her arms and face, securing a piece of gauze on her cheek.

"No, it's fine," Rowena told you, pressing the towel tighter to her body. "There's nothing there."

"Would you let me see for myself, please?" you asked, suspicion growing. What was it that she was so desperate to keep secret?

"It's fine," she repeated, eyes filling up with tears once more.

"Is it really?" Your voice softened, tone loving, caring. Whatever she was hiding, she was obviously in a great deal of pain. She hurt physically, but you could tell the wounds on her body matched those on her soul. Her body you could take care of. Her soul only if she let you in.

Lowering her head, Rowena let a soft whimper escape her. "Please, don't look," she said weakly, voice barely above a whisper. "I don't… You can't see."

Reaching out, you cupped her cheek. She leaned into your tender touch, crying into your palm. "It's okay, sweetheart," you said. "Whatever it is, you can show me."

"I…" She swallowed. "I'm sorry."

Now you knew something was very, very wrong. Rowena never apologized. Even when she was wrong, she preferred to show you how sorry she was rather than telling you.

"Darling, I… I betrayed you."

You frowned. "What are you talking about? Betrayed me how?" Concern melted into fear at the look of pure dread on her face. An inkling of suspicion of the worst – the very worst – prodded at your mind. _That_ did _not_ happen. Lucifer was the devil, the worst of the worst, but even he wouldn't stoop that low. Right? It did not happen. Not to your girl. Rearranging your expression into a neutral mask, you said: "Rowena, what did he do?"

The stream of tears spilling down her face confirmed your biggest fears. Hands trembling, she slowly, carefully opened up the towel, exposing her naked body. You couldn't hold back a gasp at the sight of dark bruises blossoming across her chest and abdomen. Your heart raced faster and faster as your eyes trailed down her body, wildly thudding against your chest as they stopped on her legs. Bruises accompanied by scrapes covered her thighs. It was as if someone had dug their nails into her flesh for the sole reason of wounding her.

No, you thought to yourself, swallowing back a sob of your own. Not wounding her. _Marking_ her. Marking her as his toy, his plaything to use and abuse. Marking her as his property.

Her insistence to take a shower made sense now. She wanted to wash him off of her as soon as she could. She wanted to get rid of as much _his_ as possible.

"He took advantage," Rowena said through tears, taking a moment to think up the right words. "I told him no." She looked into your eyes, her broken stare shattering your heart into millions of pieces. "Darling, please, don't… don't leave me. _I told him no."_

Did she really think you would leave her over something like this? The two of you had had your disagreements, but one thing had always remained the same – you stuck by her. Through better and worse, you always had her back. Never once had you even thought of turning your back on her. Hell would freeze over before you left her **.**

"Never," you told her, reaching for her hand. "Not in a million years."

A look of genuine confusion crossed her face. "You're not angry?"

"Why would I be? You haven't done anything wrong." You emphasized your point by squeezing her hand. You wanted her to know that you were here, that you weren't going anywhere. As long as she had you, she would never be alone.

When you first got together, you made a promise to yourself never to do what others before you had done. Never to betray her. Never to use her for your own gain and leave her in pieces. Never to gain her trust and use it against her. You were intent on keeping that promise. Rowena was far from a saint; she had done countless horrible things, but she was still a person. She felt and hurt and loved and needed. She mattered.

"But I've been with another."

The weakness in her tone crushed you. "Sweetheart, that is not cheating. Okay? It's not. Rape is _not_ cheating."

She flinched at the mention of the dreaded word, lowering her head to avoid your gaze. You instantly felt bad. Hearing it meant she had to accept that she had been a victim, and that was something Rowena could never do. She may have been victimized, but she lived. She fought the devil off and got home all on her own. The pain she was in was beyond your comprehension, but she didn't let that stop her for fighting and getting to safety. She was a survivor as much as she was a victim.

"I love you all the same," you told her, twining fingers with hers.

Her red, teary eyes met yours once again. "You do?"

"Yes, sweetheart. That will never change." You moved to sit on the couch beside her, opening your arms. "May I?"

Rowena nodded. You wrapped your arms around her, careful not to disturb her injuries. She nestled into you, weeping into your chest like a broken-hearted child. You held her for what seemed like forever, whispering words of love and comfort. She needed you now more than ever, and you swore to yourself that you would be here. You would tend to her every need and nurse her back to full health. You would protect her from the evil that lurked about.

For as long as you were by her side, the devil would never lay his hands on her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this turned out okay. XOXO
> 
> Editors: [BewitchedSquirrel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BewitchedSquirrel/) and [OswinTheStrange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OswinTheStrange/).
> 
> [Hotdiggitydammit on Tumblr made an amazing artwork of the last scene!](http://hotdiggitydammit.tumblr.com/post/175127073550/self-insert-fanart-of-marril96-fanfic-road-to)


	3. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely feedback, guys! ♥

After taking care of the rest of Rowena's injuries, you help her into her nightgown and took her to the bedroom. You instructed her not to walk on her injured foot until the wound fully healed, lest it would take months for it to heal properly. Rowena wasn't too happy about having to depend on someone else to walk, but she knew that you were right. If she wanted to get better, she would have to do what you said.

It felt strange to have someone take care of her. Rowena had gotten into quite a lot of trouble in her long life. She had been wounded and tortured more times that she could count. Each and every time she had no one but herself to depend on. If she wanted her wounds cleaned, she had to do it herself, which was rather hard, and often impossible, if she would find herself chained up in a dungeon with no medical supplies at her disposal. The only thing she could do was suck it up and let it pass. Healing would come eventually. Pain wouldn't last forever.

Meeting you changed that. You were there since the very beginning, looking after her even when she told you not to. She would get a paper cut and you would be there kissing it better. Rowena was flattered that there was someone who cared that much about her wellbeing. Rare annoyance she'd sometimes feel would vanish rather quickly. As much as weakness and vulnerability wounded her pride, she'd learned to be herself around you and accept your help without a fuss. Even if she refused to accept it, Rowena knew you would help her anyway. Stubbornness was just one of the many things the two of you had in common.

You cleaned up the trail of blood she'd left in the bathroom and living room, and took a quick shower before joining her in the bedroom. Rowena waited for you on the bed, exactly as you left her.

"Do you want to sleep alone or…?" you asked as delicately as you could, uncertainty written all over your face.

If someone else had asked her this question, Rowena would have gotten offended. She was not a victim. Despite what Lucifer had done to her, she was not a victim. She fought him off and managed to escape all on her own. She was a fighter, a survivor. Even wounded, she was still a force to be reckoned with.

You, though, she could never be angry at. She knew you only had her best interests at heart. Unlike him, you were giving her a choice, something she felt had been taken from her so long ago. In a way, Rowena appreciated being asked, even about something as trivial as sharing a bed. After the day she'd had, she welcomed having some control.

"I want to sleep with you," she replied, putting as much decisiveness into her tone as possible.

Giving a small smile, you joined her under the covers. Rowena wasted no time before snuggling close to you, allowing you to wrap her in a tight, warm hug. Your arm promised safety, security, a haven she desperately craved. There was no place she would rather be than here, exactly as she was. You were the only one who could provide her with the refuge she sought.

"I love you, Rowena," you said. Your tone matched your words, full of warmth and care Rowena still struggled to get used to. It had been over a year, yet she still hadn't accepted your love as fact. A part of her knew you were honest, that you would never leave her, but her subconscious strayed into doubt from time to time. Old habits die hard, she guessed. It was going to take more than a year of stability to erase centuries of betrayal.

"Stay with me, darling," Rowena said, desperation clear in her tone. The old Rowena would rather die than let her weakness show. This new one appreciated letting someone in. If there was anyone she could lower her defenses and cry without judgment around, it was you. You would never use her vulnerability against her and leave her when she needed you the most. "Don't leave me."

_Don't leave me on my own._

_Don't let me wake up alone._

"Never, sweetheart," you replied, tightening your hold on her to emphasize your words.

Rowena almost wept. She needed to hear that. She knew you wouldn't leave her, but she needed to hear it out loud one more time. "Thank you," she whispered, pouring all her self-control into keeping her voice from breaking.

"Am I hurting you?" you asked.

Rowena shook her head. "No." Her bruises hurt a bit, but she paid them no mind. The tighter you held her, the safer she felt. It was childish, thinking that you, whose power was nowhere close to her own, could protect her from an archangel, but Rowena let herself believe it.

Everyone needs a fantasy to get lost in from time to time. Rowena's usually involved power and glory. Right now, none of it mattered. The only thing she wanted was for Lucifer to stay far away from her and never lay his hands on her again. Power and glory were nothing in comparison to the safety your arms provided.

Rowena thought fear of Lucifer would keep her awake, but tiredness took over and before she knew it, dreamland's bright colors greeted her eyes, taking her away from the darkness of reality.

Days passed as if they were nothing, the worst day of her life sinking more and more into the past. Just like you promised, every morning you waited for her to wake up before leaving the bed. You would always greet her with a smile on your face, take her hand, and ask her about her dreams. For the most part, she couldn't remember them. She thought herself lucky, as the majority of them left her in a state of dread. It never lasted long, for you would be quick to wrap her in your embrace and hold her until she felt safe again.

Before leaving the bed, you would kiss her forehead and promise to be back for her as soon as possible. You would leave the door wide open so she wouldn't feel alone. Rowena appreciated the gesture. For the first few days you helped her around, allowing her to lean on you and let her injured foot heal. Much to Rowena's relief, the worst of cut had healed rather quickly and soon enough she was able to walk on her own.

Rowena always found it undignified to be babied, but now she welcomed you taking care of her. She didn't mind you insisting on doing things for her or never leaving her side. For once in her life, she welcomed giving up control and having someone else tend to her every need.

The nightmare hit her out of the blue. It had started off innocently enough, with her in the middle of a green field that seemed to stretch for miles, the soothing aroma of flowers lingering in the clear air. Suddenly, the scenery changed, the green fading into walls and floors of white and brown. The pleasant smell melted into one of rusted metal, its intensity burning her nostrils.

Eyes darting around and taking in the destruction of the all-too familiar room she found herself confined in, she recognized the horrid smell as blood. Furniture laid around in broken heaps, blood staining the walls and floor underneath her bare feet. _No,_ Rowena thought, panic rising in her chest, heart following with its rapid, frantic beats. _No. Please, no._ She took slow, careful steps as she observed the room, leaving behind bloody footprints. This couldn't be. She couldn't be back in this place of terror.

"Hi, red," the all-too-familiar voice sounded from behind her, freezing her in place.

She stiffened, swallowing hard, struggling to keep her breathing under control. _No, no, no, no, no. Please. No._ Tears spilled from her eyes before she could attempt to stop them, her pale cheeks flushing red that matched the one rimming her eyes. _This can't be. He's not real._

Slowly, she turned on her heel. As soon as her eyes fell upon the menacing figure standing before her, a gasp escaped her. Chills of pure dread cascaded down her spine, drenching her trembling body in coldness. Lucifer smiled at her; it was a friendly smile, and if she hadn't known him, she would have thought it genuine. His striking blue eyes shimmered with delight as they met hers.

"You look gorgeous," he said, looking her up and down, undressing her with his eyes.

Lips trembling, Rowena uttered: "How did you find me?"

"Did you really think you could hide from me?" The nonchalance in his tone was one of the most terrifying things in the world. How could a person torment someone and feel nothing? "I'll always find you, Rowena. You can go to the end of the world and I will find you. There is no place you can hide from me. You're my girl!"

"Don't call me that!" Rowena hissed, for the first time finding it in her to talk back. The only one allowed to call her her girl was you. He could take everything from her, but he could not tarnish that.

"Ooh, hit a nerve, haven't I?" Another chuckle. "I like it when you're feisty. Makes what I'm about to do to you so much more fun."

Rowena shuddered at the threat. "Stay away from me."

Lucifer shot her a look that was almost pitiful. "Now, now. When has _that_ ever stopped me?" Before she could plan her escape, he was in front of her, his hand grabbing her neck. Rowena hissed as he pulled her towards him, crying out at the unwanted touch. Fear ran through her veins like fire, burning away the remainder of her courage. How pathetic she was, that she couldn't even stand up to him in her own dream. Leaning forwards, his nose brushing against her skin, he whispered: "It's time you and I have a little fun."

* * *

You were used to Rowena fidgeting in her sleep. Ever since her ordeal with Lucifer, uneasy dreams had become a routine. You couldn't blame her; if it had been you, the room you'd be sleeping in wouldn't be your own, but rather a padded one in the nearest psych ward.

Unlike you, Rowena was strong. Centuries of horrible experiences taught her to be. She was okay for the most part – or at least appeared to be. The outside was, after all, nothing like the inside. Just because dark bruises had faded into light green ones didn't mean the wounds on her soul were any less severe. She still suffered, only now her outside didn't match it.

Uneasy dreams you could deal with, but never before had it been as bad as this. First there were moans, then screams that turned your blood to ice tore from her throat. Her small hands pounded at your chest as she drew back, frantically pulling from the safety of your arms.

"Get away from me!" she shrieked, kicking her legs to throw you back.

"Rowena!" you called out, rising up to kneel on the bed. You gently brought your hand to hers in an attempt to soothe her. It earned you a smack, and then her small foot connected with your stomach with enough force to cause pain. Letting out a gasp, you said: "Rowena, stop."

"Get away from me!" she repeated, louder than before. Her face was wet with tears, cheeks burning red.

Your heart broke at the sight of her. This wasn't right. This wasn't your Rowena. Your girl was never this distressed. You were used to caring for her, but this… this was new. You had no idea how to even approach her, let alone calm her.

"Rowena, please, wake up," you said, your own tears drenching your face. Reaching to touch her again earned you another smack. You wept as helplessness washed over you, hating yourself for not knowing how to handle this, how to handle _her._ "Please. I'll do anything, just, please, wake up."

"Please, don't do this," she begged. "Please…" There was a pause, then she continued, kicking her legs and arms to throw off an invisible threat. "No, please! No!" Another pause. Voice low, almost a whisper, she said: "I said no." Then a scream. "I said no!"

This wasn't right. She was supposed to recover in the safety of this home, not be plagued by nightmares about the man who had done her so much harm. The man she'd once become infatuated with. Back then you were hurt; you wanted her more than anything, and seeing her fawning over the literal devil, someone you could never measure up to, broke you. Now all you wanted to do was hold her and protect her from that very man.

Taking a deep breath for courage, you took hold of each of her wrists. She screamed, trying to push you away, but you held her in place, tightening your grip. You were sure not to hold too tight. You didn't want to leave bruises. All you wanted was for her to calm down and come back to the land of the waking. If that meant restraining her, so be it.

"No!" she screamed, trying to kick you off.

You ignored the pain of her knees and feet slamming into you. "Sweetheart, please, wake up."

"No!" she whimpered.

"It's me, Y/N. I'm not gonna hurt you. Please, just open your eyes."

Her response was a helpless weep.

"Come back to me, sweetheart," you pleaded, unable to hold back your own sobs. "I'm here. I will keep you safe. He will never hurt you again."

"Please!" she cried, her struggle slowly dying down. "Please…"

Her eyes opened, that beautiful forest green looking straight into yours. For a moment you just stared at each other, both breathing hard. Releasing her wrists, you opted to hold her hands instead. She held on for dear life, as if letting go would make you disappear. Then, sobs overwhelmed her once again and she threw yourself into your arms, crying into your chest.

"I said no," she whispered through whimpers, voice trembling with fear.

"I know you did." You held her to you, your chin resting atop her head. Sympathy flooded your veins, heart breaking all over again as her broken cries sounded in your ears. The strength you had been so keen on keeping shattered, all your defenses dissipating into nothingness under the pressure of the pain, both hers and yours, too great for your walls to keep at bay.

"He found me," Rowena said, pressing closer against your body, as if you alone could stop Lucifer from getting to her. As much as you liked to think otherwise, the reality was that he would obliterate you before you could even think of a spell to cast on him. Still, you welcomed Rowena seeking comfort in you, just like you had in her many times before. You couldn't heal the wounds on her soul, but you could give her everything she needed. And right now, all she needed was you.

"No, sweetie. There's no one here but us." Instinctively, Rowena looked around before leaning back against you. "See? It's okay. It was just a nightmare. He can't find you here. We have warding, remember?"

"Warding…" She took a few deep breaths. "Aye," she said, calming down. "Warding. We have warding."

"He will never find you again. I promise," you told her.

The past two weeks Rowena had never once left the apartment. On the rare occasions you had to go to town to get groceries (you would stock up for a few days), you would check the warding before and after you left, to make sure they were secure. The store you shopped at was just across the street; the merchandise was far from the luxury Rowena was used to, but it was closest to home. Cheap, no-name brands were good while the threat of Lucifer still hung over you. Rowena was aware of that. Never once did she complain about the quality of the food or the fact that she had to stay locked inside at all hours, not allowed a breath of fresh air or the caress of sunlight on her face. The windows had to be closed and curtains drawn at all times. The last thing you needed was something feeling her presence through an open window or someone recognizing her while she looked outside.

Rowena nodded. "It was a dream."

"Yes," you confirmed. "Just a bad dream." Drawing back from the hug, you put your hands on her cheeks, looking straight into those tear filled eyes that looked like they carried the weight of the world. She'd healed relatively fast. Bruises still marred her face, but for the most part, they were just light green smudges, soon to fade away. You swore to yourself never to let anything like this happen again. No wounds deserved to tarnish that beautiful face. "I love you."

Clasping her delicate hands over yours, she leaned into your touch. Nodding, she leaned forward to press your foreheads together, her fingers twining with yours in a soft, loving knot. "I've woken you up. _Again."_

"It's not a big deal."

"I don't know how you can put up with this, darling."

Your answer was simple: "I love you."

"Aye, but…" She gave a small, self-depreciating smile. "I'm just an old witch. I've done horrible things. I've neglected you for so long, and yet here you are, acting like none of it ever happened. Acting like I'm worth saving."

"You _are_ worth saving," you told her firmly, horrified that she would think otherwise. "What happened before doesn't matter. You're here. I'm here. We're together." You couldn't change the past, but there was still a future for you to shape. "Everything's how it's meant to be."

"But I dragged you into this," Rowena insisted. "You told me not to get involved with… _Lucifer,"_ she swallowed as his name fell from her lips, "and I didn't listen. I was too obsessed with power to notice something much more valuable right under my nose. How could I have been so blind?"

"Don't think about it. Focus on the now," you said. "Focus on us. I'm here now and I love you, and, I promise you, he will never hurt you again. Never."

New tears glistened in her eyes. "I can't get him out of my head."

"That's natural, Rowena. You've been through a trauma. Everyone struggles at first. You will get better, just give it time."

She swallowed back a sob. "I want him gone now."

"I know, sweetheart. But it doesn't work like that." Bringing her hand to your lips, you pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles. "I will be here every step of the way. You won't go through this alone."

"Darling, I… thank you."

And with that she was in your arms again, seeking comfort in the security they provided. Whispering words of love, you rocked her back and forth in attempts to calm her, holding onto her as tightly as you could. She would recover and be the old Rowena in no time. What happened would leave consequences, but with enough time she would learn to live with them. She would learn to be happy again. And you would be there to teach her every step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editor: [OswinTheStrange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OswinTheStrange/).


	4. Discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my loves! Here is another chapter. Enjoy!
> 
> Jan, I'm dedicating this chapter to you. You'll see why. :)

Today had been one of the rare times Rowena had woken up before you. You thought she might have gotten up to pee, but the sweet, soothing aroma coming from the kitchen told you otherwise. You found her sitting at the island, sipping her tea, eyes glued to the screen of her phone. Noticing you in the doorway, her lips widened into a bright, beautiful smile.

Returning the smile, you hugged her from behind, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Good morning," you said, resting your chin on her shoulder.

"Good morning," she responded and laid a kiss to your temple.

"You're up early" you noticed, trying not to let concern show in your tone. Nightmares came and went, thankfully none as severe as the one from a few days ago. Her state, at least in regards to her dreams, appeared to be improving.

"Couldn't sleep."

"Nightmares?"

She shook her head. "Just sick of lying in bed all the time. I made you coffee." She motioned towards a mug a few inches from hers. "Three and a half spoonfuls of sugar." It was a statement rather than a question. She knew she'd gotten it right.

"Thank you, sweetheart."

"Aye, aye," she said as you pulled up a chair next to her and reached for your mug. "I don't know how you can drink that monstrosity."

"What's wrong with it?" You took a sip, a new smile grazing your lips at the wonderful, sweet taste. Rowena knew you too well. "Oh, this is _good."_

Rowena scrunched up her face in what was supposed to be disgust, but it turned into a look of pure adorableness. "There's more sugar in it than coffee. It's an insult to coffee everywhere."

"I'm sure coffee can handle it. She's a big girl." Your heart melted at the wide smile on her face. You missed this Rowena. You missed seeing her this happy, this relaxed and carefree. For a moment it felt like old times again, when there was no danger lurking around, no threat of Lucifer and his minions, no fear of what he would do to her if he was to find her again.

You missed those times. They would come to be again, you promised. Rowena would be allowed out on the streets again. She would be allowed to breathe in fresh air and go shopping and do everything she yearned to be able to do again. She wouldn't be confined within the walls of this tiny apartment forever.

She never complained about having to stay inside, but you could see how much she wished to leave. Rowena was an outgoing creature; she preferred traveling to staying in one place for too long. When this was all over, you would take her somewhere far away from here. You would take her away from this apartment, from this town – hell, you would take her from this country. Once Lucifer was handled, one of those beautiful European countries was all yours.

"What are you reading?" you asked, looking over to her phone.

"Local news. Some lad shot his neighbor over a property dispute."

You chuckled. "Small town news. That's about as exciting as it gets."

"Maybe," she allowed. Her smile faded. "It's not bad, though. It feels… normal. I could use some of that right now."

You reached for her hand. "This won't last forever. Things will go back to normal."

"I know, dear. But how long before I get roped into something like this again? How long before Fergus and the Winchesters find out I'm alive and drag me into a whole new mess?"

"We'll tell them no. You're under no obligation to do anything for them, okay? If Crowley tries to blackmail you again, I'll handle it. He's not the only one who's got dirt on people. I knew him before I knew you, remember?"

A new smile graced her lips. "My bonny lass, so clever."

You gave a mock humble shrug. "I try. It's for a good cause."

"Aye, of course." She winked. "You're full of surprises, aren't you?"

"When you're dating a badass superwitch, you have to be."

Letting out a soft laugh, she leaned over, capturing your lips with hers in a soft, loving kiss. Kissing was as far as the two of you would go. You didn't mind; considering the trauma she'd gone through, it was remarkable that she even allowed kisses. Your pride in her strength couldn't be put in words.

There were times – incredibly rare, for she masked her feelings quite well for the most part – when you could see yearning on her face. Yearning for you, for the intimate touch of your hands, for your caresses and kisses to places she now couldn't bear to even look at in the mirror. Whenever you'd catch that look, you'd tell her you love her and wrap her in a hug. There would come a time when she would feel comfortable in her body again. Lucifer may have suppressed her sexuality, but he could never take it from her. Even he wasn't that powerful.

"I ever tell you how much I love you?"

Rowena shrugged. "Maybe a few times. It's a bit vague."

Chuckling, you said: "Well, I love you very much."

"And I may just feel the same," she said teasingly.

You raised a suspicious eyebrow. "You may?"

"I may," she confirmed. "Who knows?"

"Well, you _did_ make me coffee you claim is offensive," you reminded her.

"I did. I wonder what that says about me?"

"Could it be that you… love me?" you suggested, eyes wide in fake shock.

"Or that I'm a fool," she said.

"Who says it can't be both?" you joked, earning you a look of mock hurt. She gave another shrug.

"Fool in love, aye? Wouldn't be my first time," she said. "Although, I suppose this time I got lucky."

"So you're a lucky fool?"

"I'm a lucky fool," she said with a nod.

You frowned. "That is a compliment, right?"

"Of the highest order." She pressed her forehead to yours, one of her delicate hands giving your cheek a light, tender caress. "I love you, darling."

You finished your drinks in silence, every now and then letting out a laugh at some ridiculous local news story. Rowena insisted on making breakfast, just as she had ever since her foot healed enough to allow her to walk. You were more than aware that she was sick of your cooking skills – or rather lack thereof. Even when she gave you instructions, something would go wrong. Rowena sucked it up at first, eating what you'd prepared for her without complaint. She lasted less than a week, unable to hold it in anymore. You didn't mind; you were more than aware of your inability to prepare food.

Now that Rowena was better, she made everything herself. She hated cooking, preferring to order from high end restaurants, but now that you were in hiding, she had to suck it up and put her skills to use. It was either that or eating your barely edible disasters.

You had just finished washing the dishes – a task you insisted on doing since Rowena had been the one who made food – when the doorbell rang. You paled, eyes widening as your heart raced in your chest, matching your panicked breathing. Who could it have been? You haven't had visitors for ages. Your bills were taken care of by your fake bank account, the mailman left all the mail in the lobby, where all the apartments' mailboxes were, and neither you nor Rowena had ordered any packages. Who could have possibly dropped by your apartment at ten in the morning?

You and Rowena shared a look, hers equally panicked as yours. Laying your hands on her shoulders, you looked her directly in the eyes, determination spread all over your face. If this was danger, you had to act quick.

"Go to our room and, no matter what happens, stay inside. Okay?" you whispered, twitching when more knocks sounded.

"What about you?" Rowena asked concernedly.

 _"No matter what happens,"_ you repeated more firmly, protective instincts kicking in, burning through your veins like lava. Now was not the time to be arguing. "There are hex bags under the bed. If anything happens, use them. They're enchanted to kill instantly." Laying a quick kiss to her cheek, you ushered her towards the bedroom. She gulped , those forest green eyes filling with sadness as she softly, on the tips of her bare toes, padded inside. It broke your heart to risk getting hurt and leaving her exposed to danger, but, with any luck, you could weaken whoever it was that had come after her enough to allow her to defend herself without much trouble.

Slowly approaching the door, readying offensive spells to be cast, you leaned over to look through the peephole.

The first thing you did as your eyes took in the appearance of your visitors was to frown. Then you breathed out a sigh of relief, letting the magic you had gathered at your fingertips melt back into your body. Still, you opened the door with caution; just because it looked like there was no danger didn't mean there really wasn't. For all you knew, this could have been a trap. You couldn't take any chances, not with Rowena still recovering and depending on your care.

"What are you guys doing here?" you asked, cutting their greetings off before they could even mouth them.

It was Sam who answered, exchanging a look with Dean. "We were in town and thought we'd say hi."

"That's… really nice of you," you said, unsure of how to properly respond. Were they really here just to greet you, or did they need your help with something… again? Had they found out Rowena was alive and were coming to make her help them with Lucifer?

"That's us, really nice," Dean joked, cracking a smile.

"How are you doing?" Sam asked.

"Good," you replied simply. You could barely leave your home out of fear of Lucifer, but Rowena was alive and safe. The worst of her injuries had healed, save from a few light bruises still visible on her face, arms, and chest, but those were to be gone in a few days, too. There was still the trauma of what Lucifer had done to her, but, you hoped, with your love and support she would be okay – as okay as possible, given the circumstances. ‘Good' covered it quite well.

"Listen, Y/N," Dean said, expression growing serious, "I never got to say I'm sorry for your loss. I know how much Rowena meant to you."

You almost chuckled. Oh, he had no idea! "Thank you," you said, feeling a bit guilty for your initial hostility. They were just trying to be nice.

"She was interesting, that one," the elder Winchester said. "I mean, I wasn't exactly her biggest fan, but she… she was okay, I guess."

 _Don't laugh! Don't laugh!_ Rowena must have been having a field day listening in. "She was, yeah," you agreed, clenching your teeth to hold back the laughter that threatened to tear from your throat.

"I want you to know we would have saved her if we could've," Sam said.

"I know." You believed him. The Winchester brothers were honorable. Rowena was an ally; if there was any way they could have helped her, they would have done so in an instant. Hell, even if they hated her, they wouldn't let her die at the hands of a deranged madman. Just to fuck with them, you added: "You owed her favors. Two, if I recall."

Sam must have mistaken it for sadness, because he said: "We haven't forgotten about that."

"We can't do much for her anymore, but if there's anything you need, let us know, okay?" Dean asked, looking you in the eyes, deadly serious. "I don't care what happened before. We're still friends."

His words almost brought tears to your eyes. "Okay," you said with a small nod. "Thank you. I'm sure Rowena would've been happy to know that."

"She better," Dean said. "But then again, it was always a guessing game when it came to than one. She was full of surprises."

Sam nodded. "She will be missed."

"Yep. She was one of a kind," Dean agreed. "It's not every day you meet a witch like her."

"Oh, god, just stop!" Rowena exclaimed, startling you. Rolling her eyes, she walked to stand a few feet behind you, crossing her arms over her chest like a stern teacher about to scold an unruly student.

Dean's eyes widened in complete and utter bafflement. "Rowena?"

"You-you're alive?" Sam stammered, just as bewildered as his brother.

"Surprise!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms up dramatically.

Sighing, you rushed them in, locking the door behind them. Dean eyed the key suspiciously, but his gaze quickly shifted back to Rowena. Quite a sight she must have been to the two brothers: clad in a simple dress, barefoot, and wearing very little makeup on her face. It was far from the glamour they were used to seeing her in. The fact that she was alive shocked them, but you would bet her looking rather plain in comparison to her usual flair added greatly to it.

"Can't be," Dean breathed.

Rowena raised an eyebrow, a teasing smile playing on her lips. "Miss me, wiener boy?"

The older Winchester's only response was a frown, prompting her smile to widen.

"How is this possible?" Sam said, struggling to find the right words.

If you had been the one to hear her dying – or what you would assume to be her dying – on the phone, you would have been the same. Seeing people you had thought dead amongst the living can fuck you up.

"I'm a survivor." The statement fell from Rowena's lips with ease, as if it was the absolute truth no one could challenge. Given that she had managed to escape death countless times, you didn't think anyone would dare to.

"But Lucifer said…" Sam trailed off, swallowing a lump in his throat.

Rowena flinched at the mention of the devil's name, but quickly regained her composure, face its usual proud, tough mask. "What Lucifer says and what Lucifer does aren't always the same thing."

"We _heard_ you die," Dean pointed out.

"You heard me being _tortured,"_ she said, narrowing her eyes. "Thank you checking up on me, by the way. It was much appreciated."

Sam sighed. "We didn't know."

"How did you escape?" Dean asked.

"I've got more than one trick up my sleeve," Rowena said, a tint of pride in her tone. "Wasn't my first time outsmarting the devil."

"And you've been here this entire time?"

"Aye."

"Why didn't you tell us you're alive?"

"So you can get her involved again?" you asked, causing all eyes to shift to you. Memories of her showing up at your door battered and bloody still haunted your mind. One time was enough. You would never let something like that happen again. "So you can chain her up in a warehouse again?" You shot Sam a dirty look that made him look away in shame. "Look at her! She still hasn't healed completely. There was no way in hell I was letting you make her cast the devil banishing spell in her condition!"

"Seriously? So you really think we would've _made_ her cast the spell? And while she was hurt?" Dean exclaimed incredulously. Dare you say, he was almost offended at the insinuation. "Hell, no!"

"Wouldn't be the first time," you said, shooting Sam another look.

"We couldn't risk him finding me," Rowena said, giving you a warning look that said she was okay, that she's got this. As flattered as she was by your protectiveness, sometimes she wanted to fight her own battles. "The less people that knew, the better."

A short, uncomfortable silence ensued – silence Dean was the first to break, looking Rowena up and down, taking in the fading remains of her injuries. "Rowena, what happened there? What'd he do to you?"

"He…" Rowena sighed, closing her eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath for composure. You moved to stand beside her, taking hold of her hand and squeezing it tightly enough to let her know that you were here, that you loved her and cherished her more than anything in the world. "He did things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy." She raised her head up high. "But I'm past that now. I'm alive, aren't I?"

The brothers narrowed their eyes, wondering what she meant by that, but didn't dare question her further. They could tell it was difficult for her as it was, without them pressing for details. Having been tortured numerous times, themselves, they must have known it wasn't something one – especially someone as proud as Rowena – likes to talk about.

"Have you managed to do anything about Lucifer?" you asked, putting an arm around Rowena's shoulders. She welcomed the touch, leaning over to rest her head against your chest. Perks of having a taller girlfriend.

"Sorta," Dean said. When you frowned, he continued: "He's trapped in the alternate universe. For now, anyway."

You raised a curious eyebrow. "Really? And how did you manage that?"

Sam gulped. "There… there was a price to pay."

"Some sacrifices were made," Dean said.

"What does that mean?" Rowena asked.

"Our mom… she's trapped there with him," Sam said sadly.

Mary was? "I'm sorry to hear that," you told them. You remembered your mom, remembered loving nothing and no one as much as her. If she had been sent to another world, with the devil, no less, it would have shattered you.

Sam nodded, while Dean turned his head away, tears pooling in his eyes. You were unfair, you realized. In all your concern about Rowena, you never stopped to think that you weren't the only one who had something to lose in this battle. And unlike you, they _had_ lost their loved one. Rowena had been hurt in unimaginable ways, but she was still here. You could still hold her and help her through her trauma. The boys didn't have that chance.

"He killed Cas," Dean said after another moment of silence.

Surely that had to have been a mistake. You couldn't have possibly heard him right. "What?"

"Lucifer," he clarified. "He killed Cas."

Tears prickled at your eyes at the confirmation.

_He killed Cas._

_He killed Cas._

_Castiel's dead._

The angel annoyed you from time to time, but he was still a friend. He had never been anything but kind to you. Even after you chose Rowena over them, Castiel still treated you with the same dignity and respect as he always had. His stance had been clear – he was on the Winchesters' side, but he still regarded you as a friend.

Noticing your distress, Rowena gave your hand a reassuring squeeze, pressing a kiss to your other one. She was here for you just as you had been for her these past three weeks. If you needed to grieve, her arms were open and welcoming. No judgment would be passed. Even if she wasn't a fan of the angel and feelings were something she was still getting used to, she understood you. And if need be, she would hold you just as you held her at her worst.

She may not have expressed her love with words all that often, but when it came to actions, Rowena was the first to show affection.

"And Crowley… He sacrificed himself to close the rift between that world and ours," Sam said.

_No!_

A single tear slid down your cheek. Crowley, too?

_No._

Memory after memory flashed in your mind; smiles and laughs you used to think were fake, and banter you often pretended to be annoyed by. Words spoken in that charming accent raged through your soul, swirling like a tornado.

_This can't be! No!_

"Fergus is dead?" Rowena asked, trying her hardest to keep her face emotionless. She could have masked it all she wanted, but you knew, _you knew_ the news of her son's death hurt her. The pain in her tone was too great to hide.

Pushing back your own grief, you pulled her closer to you, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. You would be here. Whatever she needed, you would give her. You had lost two friends and allies, but she had lost a son. No pain can compare to that of a mother losing her child. Even if she hated him, you knew there was a part of Rowena that loved him. She kept it hidden, fearing the consequences if it were to surface, preferring to suppress it rather than let it make her weak, but it was there. She was good at hiding things, but you were better at knowing her.

"I'm sorry," Sam said.

Arranging her features into a nonchalant mask, she quipped: "Funny, I always thought I'd be the one to kill him."

Typical her, hiding her pain with sarcasm and witty comebacks. Her hand gripping yours for dear life told you what words couldn't: she felt it, felt every single painful thing, but she couldn't let herself show it. Not in front of an audience. When you were alone, she may let you in, but for now she would be strong. Sam and Dean couldn't see her vulnerable.

A ghost of a smile played on Dean's lips. "That's exactly what… never mind." He shook his head. "It's just us now. But we're getting close."

"Close to what?" you asked.

"Getting our mom back," Sam replied.

"You're not seriously thinking of opening the rift again, are you? After Crowley sacrificed himself to close it."

"We've got no other choice," Dean said defensively.

"But Lucifer–"

He cut you off. "We're looking for ways to trap him. We aren't going there until we figure it out."

"We got a few leads," Sam said. "We'll see where they take us. One is a few towns over, actually. We stopped by on our way there"

"This is insane!" you exclaimed. How could they even think it's a good idea to go poking around a whole another world – that had served as a prison for the devil, no less? No wonder people thought them crazy.

"It's our only option!" Dean argued. "She's our mom! We can't just leave her there with psycho wings!"

 _How do you know he hasn't already killed her?_ You kept the question to yourself, not daring to say it out loud. Dean was right. She was their mother. It was only natural that they wanted to get her back. If that had been Rowena instead of Mary, you would tear this world apart if it meant being with her again.

"When you catch Lucifer," Rowena spoke up for the first time in a while, raising her head up in a proud manner, "give me a call. I will send him back where he belongs."

"Absolutely not!" you exclaimed, eyes widening in shock. How could she even think that was a good idea?

"Darling–" she tried, only for you to cut her off.

"You're not going anywhere near him!" You put as much authority in your voice as you could. "Or have you forgotten what happened last time?"

Rowena swallowed, a look of hurt flashing over her face. _Shit!_ You should have chosen your words better.

"Why do you think I want to do this?" Rowena snapped. "That monster has done nothing but make our lives a living hell! I want him gone for good!"

"There must be another way!" you argued.

"There isn't," Sam said. "The only thing we can do is trap him, and there's no telling how long that will last. If we want to get rid of him permanently, we need Rowena."

"And I will be there," she said decisively.

"We'll talk about this later," you said more calmly, swallowing back the tears that threatened to fall. You wanted Lucifer gone forever just as much, but not if the price was Rowena's wellbeing. He had already scarred her beyond belief, both mentally and physically. She couldn't sleep without fearing he would haunt her dreams and turn them into nightmares. How was she going to react if she was to see him in person?

The last time she saw him, he tortured and raped her. A fresh reminder of that could shatter her.

Rowena said nothing, just shot you a look that said she'd already made up her mind. You would have a hard time trying to get her to change it, but you would do your best. She had made wonderful progress these past three weeks. Compared to how she was when she showed up at your door, now she was as close to her old self as ever. You couldn't let all that go to waste.

"Right, well, we have to go now," Sam said, giving an awkward smile.

You pulled on a smile of your own. You were less than happy with the situation, but you were still content that there could have been a way to trap Lucifer. Who knows? Maybe there was a way to kill him, too. The brothers were excellent hunters and researchers. If there was anyone who could find a solution to this problem, it was them.

"Good luck with your leads!" you said, and you meant every single word. "Hopefully, something good will show up."

The younger Winchester nodded, while the older one said: "If we find anything out, we'll let you know."

And just like that, they were gone.

And once again you found yourself alone with Rowena, who had never looked so determined in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it for today. I hope you guys liked it!
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments. :) Next chapter will come out soon.
> 
> Editors: [UltimateFandomTrash](http://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateFandomTrash/pseuds/UltimateFandomTrash/) and [OswinTheStrange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OswinTheStrange/).


	5. Argument

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos and comments!

Rowena knew she was in for an argument.

The decision to leave herself at the Winchesters' disposal had come spontaneously. She wasn't the kind of person to make such rash decisions, but these were special circumstances. She'd been thinking of getting her revenge on Lucifer since the moment he laid his hands on her. That man – if that monstrosity could even be called a man – had hurt her more than anyone ever had. He'd tortured her. Humiliated her. _Raped_ her. He'd done things to her no enemy before had even thought of.

Once upon a time Rowena thought there was no man crueler than the bampot who had left her with child.

Lucifer had managed to top him.

Her child…

Rowena swallowed back the intrusive tears pooling in her eyes. Fergus was dead. Her son, the bastard she could never let herself love, was dead. She would never hear him insult her in that accent of his again. They would never endlessly bicker and throw insults back and forth at one another again.

Rowena had made a few attempts on his life, herself, just as he had on hers, but they had moved past that. It was strange and dysfunctional, and in the eyes of any stranger it would seem insane, but the two of them had been getting closer.

You commented on it from time to time, teasing her that they really did love each other. Rowena refused to admit it, but now she knew you were right. It was a slow and incredibly painful process, but she was finally allowing herself to love her son, opening up her heart one bit at a time. She still hated him, but she also loved him in her own special way not many could – or would want to – understand.

Bad blood still existed between them, of course. There was hostility that could never go away. However, she had gotten her revenge. She'd broken his heart the way he'd made her break hers, wounding herself in the process. Gavin was a lovely boy. Rowena hadn't known him for long, but she loved him before she even laid her eyes on him. Just knowing that he existed filled her cold heart with warmth.

Supporting him instead of fighting tooth and nail for him to remain in the now blackened her already black soul, but Rowena told herself it was necessary. She needed her revenge, needed closure.

She'd never gotten the full extent of it, but she had decided that was enough.

It hurt like hell as it was.

Just like Fergus' death hurt now.

"Rowena, I'm sorry." Your meek voice snapped her from her thoughts. "I shouldn't have said that."

You were genuine. If there was one thing Rowena was absolutely certain of, it was that you would never harm her on purpose. You were upset and said something bad. It happens. It hurt and brought back painful memories, but there was no ill intention behind it.

If it had been someone else, Rowena would have gotten mad – maybe even mad enough to rid them of their life. One of the things she was known for was her ability to hold a grudge. But with you it was different. She could never stay angry at you for long, especially not now, after everything you'd done for her.

"No, it's fine. I know what happened last time. I was there, remember?"

It wasn't supposed to have come out that sarcastic. Rowena couldn't help it; sarcasm was her go to defense mechanism.

A look of hurt crossed your face, and she instantly felt guilty. She shouldn't have snapped at you like that.

Taking a breath, she straightened up and said: "That is exactly why I want to do this."

You sighed, features twisting into a look of disbelief. "You can't be serious."

Rowena's lips curled into a smirk. "Deadly."

You swallowed, doing your best to keep your tone in check. The last thing either of you needed was a screaming match. "It's dangerous!"

Rowena was no fool; she knew there was a chance Lucifer could escape and murder you all. If the Winchesters found a way to restrain him long enough for her to cast the spell, she wanted to be there. She wanted to look the bastard in the eye as she banished him back into the darkness he belonged in. She wanted him to know that she won. She lived. She survived.

She was free.

For as long as he was on the loose, she could never be completely free. Locking him away wasn't just about revenge – it was also the only way she could have absolute freedom again. She would only feel safe again if he was to be locked up for good.

"What if he escapes?" you continued, barely keeping your voice from trembling. "What if-what if he hurts you again?"

"It's a risk I'm willing to take," Rowena replied sharply, patience running thin. She knew you meant no harm, that you were simply worried, but she couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't you once, just once let her do what she wanted without an argument?

"I'm not letting you get anywhere near him!" you exclaimed.

She shot you a pointed look. Seriously? You were going _there?_ Rowena had no doubt in her mind that you only had her best interests at heart. She'd be a fool to mistake your concern for ill intentions. However, this was ridiculous. You were her lover. Not her child, not her guardian, and certainly not her parent.

"Letting me?" she said exasperatedly, tone laced with venom. As if it wasn't enough that she couldn't even look out a goddamn window, let alone step foot outside this apartment. Now she had to listen to _this?_ "Contrary to what you may believe, Y/N, I am _not_ a child. I don't need your permission. I may have been locked up in this bloody apartment for weeks, but that doesn't make it a prison and it certainly doesn't make you a guard."

A new look of hurt spilled across you face and, once again, Rowena instantly regretted her tone. This was a passionate subject for you both. Just as Rowena yearned for her independence, your instincts screamed at you to protect her. If roles had been reversed, she had no doubt she would act the same, do her best to keep you away from harm.

"I just want to keep you safe," you told her, voice growing softer, more tender, breaking under the pressure of pain.

Rowena took a breath, calming her own voice. Arguments would solve nothing. "I know, darling." She walked over to you, gently laying her hands on your cheeks, eyes connecting with yours in a loving gaze. "I appreciate everything you've done for me. But you must understand why I have to do this."

You clasped your hands over hers, closing your eyes for a short moment to bask in the warmth of her touch. Gentleness was almost a novelty for Rowena. It had been so long since the last time she genuinely showed it, and a part of her worried she'd forgotten how to do it properly.

Meeting you changed her to the core, made sides of her that she didn't even know were still there awaken from their ancient slumber. Being with you taught her that she could be sweet and kind, that she could love and be loved in return. It taught her that she was allowed to be vulnerable and, even if she considered that side of her weak, that she could let it show without shame or fear of pain. If there was anyone she could be weak in front of, it was you. You would never judge her for allowing it to show or use it against her when she least expected it.

"I don't want you to get hurt," you whispered after a long, silent moment, your fingers curling around hers in a gentle knot.

"I won't," Rowena said decisively. The only one who would get hurt would be Lucifer. He needed to pay for everything he'd done to her. She wouldn't rest until she made him feel every single thing he put her through.

Because of him she couldn't go outside.

Because of him she hated her body.

Because of him she couldn't even _think_ of having sex with you, let alone do it, out of fear of memories of what he had done to her flooding her brain.

Rowena wouldn't rest until she made sure he was far, far away, rotting in that blasted cage, never to be released again.

"You can't promise that."

She raised her head up. "Have I ever lied to you?"

You took a deep breath, eyes never leaving hers. "You haven't."

"I haven't." She let her lips widen into a smile. "I _can_ do this. Trust me."

"Can't you teach me?" you said, still uncertain.

Rowena sighed. This again? "Y/N, we talked about this."

"Please! I'd feel a lot safer if–"

She cut you off. "I wouldn't." You weren't the only one with protective instincts in this relationship. Being in a relationship with her was risky enough as it was. If you were to learn the spell, it would make you an even bigger target. Rowena wasn't willing to gamble with your life, even at the price of her own. "That spell is a burden I'm not willing to impose on you. I will cast it and we will be free. You just have to trust me. You do, don't you?"

You nodded, giving up. This was a pointless battle and you knew it. Nothing you said could change her mind. "With my life."

"Then there's nothing to worry about. I will be alright," she assured you.

Giving a small nod, you pulled her to you, wrapping her in a hug. Rowena nestled into you, nuzzling into your shoulder. This was how it was always meant to be. You and her together, united against the world. You were the only thing she had left now, the only thing worth fighting for. She would be damned before she let the devil ruin that for her. Days of solitude were over; this was Rowena's new life and she would protect it with everything she had. Lucifer had no right to ruin that, to ruin _her._

At first she was reluctant about revealing herself to the Winchesters, but she decided to go through with it. She was sick of hiding. Avoiding all remnants of her old life would mean Lucifer had won, and Rowena couldn't allow that. She wanted her life back, wanted things to go back to the way they were before he took her by force and left her in fear of her own shadow.

There could only be one winner in this fight, and that certainly wasn't going to be him. Rowena hadn't made all this progress for nothing.

"I'm going to make him pay for everything he's done," she said viciously, her voice a threat, a promise. She wouldn't be at peace until she made good on it.

"You'll kick his ass," you said with a chuckle.

"Aye." Rowena gave a chuckle of her own. Then her face grew serious, all color draining from her cheeks. Tears filled her eyes, one after another spilling down her face like a salty waterfall as the reality of the situation hit her. Voice trembling, she whispered: "Y/N?"

"Yes, sweetheart?" Your own voice softened, its tone that of love and comfort. She could always count on you to be there, even in the littlest ways.

Rowena swallowed. "Fergus is gone." The words burned at her throat like fire. A sniffle escaped her as she took in one swift breath after another, trying her hardest not to fall apart. She'd been in pieces for weeks. Every time you would help her put herself together, something would come up and shatter her all over again. Why couldn't it last? Was a week of peace too much to ask?

"I know," you said. Tightening your hold on her, you pulled her closer, pressing her against your warm body.

"He's really gone this time."

Sobs overwhelmed her as soon as the words left her mouth. She shook and trembled in your arms, weeping loudly, inconsolably, like a wounded child crying for its mother.

She wanted Fergus to die, yes. But not like this. Not on these terms. Not now that everything around her was falling apart. Back when she'd thought she'd killed him, she felt relief. Now all she wanted to do was squeeze the light out of Lucifer with her bare hands.

"I know, sweetheart," you said, softly tapping her back. "I'm so sorry."

No more words were exchanged. For what seemed like eternity, you held her and let her weep to her heart's content. Rowena appreciated that, appreciated you being there for her and loving her through everything. You didn't tell her it was wrong to have these feelings. You didn't laugh at her for being weak. You didn't mock her or threaten her or think of ways of using her vulnerability against her.

You let her cry without judgment, wordlessly promising to never leave her, to always be there, to catch her when she falls and tend to her wounds with utmost care.

It was exactly what Rowena needed.

And you knew that better than anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editors: [BewitchedSquirrel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BewitchedSquirrel/) and [OswinTheStrange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OswinTheStrange/).


	6. Outing

It took about an hour for Rowena to calm down.

Pushing your own grief back into the deepest corner of your mind, you focused on getting her better. She was in a bad place – had been for almost a month now. Your pain couldn't compare to hers. Lucifer had taken two of your dear friends and acquaintances, but she had been the one to lose a child.

Anger burned in you at the thought of him. As if it hadn't been enough that he'd tortured and raped your girlfriend and had attempted to murder her. He'd had to take them, too.

You weren't too happy with Rowena's decision to get involved again, but you understood why she had to do it. Lucifer had taken everything from her: her life, her freedom, her child. He'd made her a prisoner in her own home. She could barely look at herself in the mirror without being reminded of the horrors he'd inflicted on her. It was only natural that she wanted him to pay.

She'd made up her mind and no amount of arguing was going to change it. Challenging her decisions would do more harm than good. You didn't have to like them, but at the very least you could support them. Heavens know she could do with your support.

As soon as her cries died down enough for you to feel safe stepping back from the hug, you ran her a warm bath. Like every time you did this, she asked you to join her. She laid down between your legs, resting her head on your chest. Just as you had hoped, the water soothed her, allowing her head to – at least temporarily – clear of troubling thoughts.

It was then that she suggested that the two of you go out tomorrow evening. You weren't too fond of the idea; Lucifer may have been trapped in another world, but for all you knew, he could have escaped without anyone noticing. What if he was waiting for her to make an appearance and caught her presence when she got out of the warding's reach?

You laid your concerns on Rowena, who insisted nothing of the sort would happen. If Lucifer was back, the Winchesters would know. They would have told you about it earlier.

She'd made good points and, despite still being uncertain, you'd agreed to an outing. Fresh air would do Rowena good. It wasn't healthy to stay locked up in one place for weeks on end, especially for a wanderer like her.

She spent the majority of the following day getting ready. It was the most active you'd seen her in weeks and, despite still being worried, it made you happy to see her looking forward to something. You asked her to paint her nails – both on her fingers and toes – red. She complied without complaint. Red was one of her favorite colors, and also, she knew how much you loved it when her nails were dark, bloody red.  She paid special attention to her hair, turning those fiery waves into gorgeous curls you barely resisted running your fingers through. It was as if her hair had its own powerful, delectable magic.

You had just put on your own clothes when you noticed her staring at the large mirror, observing her reflection with a frown on her face. Clad in nothing but a lacy bra and panties, she looked herself up and down, forefinger tracing the remnants of bruises on her abdomen. They were pale, colored a mixture of green and yellow. A few more days and they would be gone forever.

Her finger traced up all the way to the bruises on her face before sliding down to those on her inner thighs. She swallowed, sucking in a breath. Her face was a mask of stone, but you knew she wanted to weep. All these weeks and she still bore the marks Lucifer had inflicted on her. Why couldn't she heal faster? Why couldn't all traces of him be gone from her body?

Walking over to her, you carefully wrapped your arms around her from behind. When no protest came, you fully embraced her, pulling her to you. Pressing your cheek to her hair, you laid a soft kiss to her cheek. Rowena relaxed under your touch, closing her eyes for a moment to bask in your warmth. One of the many reasons she fell in love with you was your penchant for details. She didn't have to tell you what she needed. You simply _knew._

"You're so beautiful," you told her, meaning every single word. Even when she showed up at your door covered in blood and open wounds, you found her absolutely stunning. Nothing could take from her natural beauty.

"Think I don't know that?" she said, lips curling into a teasing smirk. The tone of her voice gave away what her words didn't – your compliment was appreciated. She was grateful for you being here for her, for loving her through everything and never giving up on her. She could be weak in front of you all she wanted. You never judged her, never told her it was wrong to have those feelings. You never pointed at her and laughed. You were just here and she found herself accustomed to it.

The old Rowena would laugh at the idea of relying on another person.

The new one couldn't imagine you _not_ being there for her.

"Just making sure," you said nonchalantly, giving a smile of your own.

"Thank you, darling." She brought your hands to her mouth, gently kissing the knuckles of each. Not many people got to see the soft side of Rowena. Most thought her a heartless bitch. They never got to see her be loving and kind and forgiving, a person just like everyone else. No one ever bothered to give her a chance, to try to get to know her. Instead, they judged her for her cold exterior. You were glad you had it in you to see past that. If you hadn't, you never would have had this. Rowena and you were messy and, at times, dysfunctional, but you worked. You wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.

Pressing a kiss to her forehead, you stepped away from the hug to let her get dressed. She decided on a beautiful red gown that hugged her body perfectly, as if it was made specifically for her. The high heels she'd chosen were a matching scarlet red, completing the impression of a fiery goddess. The bruises on her face were light enough to be covered with makeup; by the time she was done, her skin was flawless, as if there were never any marks marring it. The final touch was the dark red lipstick. She'd intended on putting on a lighter shade, but you suggested a darker one, claiming it was hotter. Who was she to say no to hotness?

You looked rather plain in comparison to her. Your black dress and shoes weren't nearly as glamorous as hers. While her hair was vivacious and wild, yours appeared rather lifeless. Your modest lip gloss was nothing, compared to her makeup. Usually, you paid no mind to such trivialities, but tonight was special. This was Rowena's first outing in weeks. You couldn't go out with her looking like a peasant.

"Rowena?" you asked after she was all done, observing her finished work in the mirror. For the first time in weeks, she appeared to like what she was seeing.

Fixing one of the curls that was out of place, she said: "Hm?"

"Could you do my makeup? And hair, maybe? Please?"

She turned to look at you, lips widening into a bright smile. It was almost as if she was looking forward to being asked. "Why, of course, dear!"

Once she was done with you, you could barely recognize yourself. You rarely thought of yourself as pretty, let alone beautiful. Rowena had managed to do what you thought was impossible – she made you fall in love with your appearance on first sight.

Not wanting to get lipstick on her face, you laid a kiss to the top of each of her hands, thanking her for doing this for you. You could always count on your girl when you wanted to feel pretty.

Rowena was visibly relieved to finally be out of the apartment. She appeared content when she stepped outside, but it was only after you left the apartment building that she seemed – dare you say – happy. She looked around as you walked to the restaurant, taking in surroundings she hadn't seen in almost a month. The air seemed to be to her liking, fresh and cool, a taste of freedom she'd come to miss.

You missed seeing her like this. As worried as you were about Lucifer, you knew now Rowena was right. Staying locked up wasn't healthy. She was a free soul, used to coming and going as she pleased. Being in one place for large amounts of time must have been driving her insane – especially since she couldn't go out. A fifteen minute walk to the restaurant maybe wasn't enough to satisfy her adventurous spirit, but it was huge in comparison to the past three weeks.

The small town's only high end restaurant was almost packed. There weren't too many people who could afford to dine in such an establishment. Most came here once or twice a year to celebrate anniversaries or birthdays. Others were visitors from larger towns and cities, who happened to drive through and decided to give small town charm a chance. True wealthy people were rare.

Still, looking at them from afar, you couldn't tell whose glamour was fake and whose was genuine. They were all dressed to impress. It was as if these people, these strangers, were competing on who could nail the filthy rich look best. So far, it was a tie.

You and Rowena fit right in. Rowena made sure of that. Not a hair on your heads was out of place, not a bit of makeup smudged or messy. With nothing but her impeccable skills alone, she turned the two of you, girls with basically nothing to their names, into glamorous goddesses.

You sat at a table far away from everyone else, grateful to have found a private place amidst the crowd. The last thing you needed was judging old assholes staring at you. Small towns still weren't used to the novelty of not giving a shit about two people of the same sex dating. You hoped the curses Rowena and you would always cast leaving the restaurant might have taught at least some of them a lesson.

The waiter was quick to present you with water, leaving to get you the drinks you ordered. You weren't too into alcohol, but tonight, just like every other night, you ordered the same as Rowena did. You could survive a glass of wine. Even if you ended up leaving it, it's not like you were throwing your own money away. Fake credit cards were a blessing.

Since you and Rowena had both turned over a new leaf, murder wasn't the way to get what you wanted anymore. So you introduced your girlfriend to the wonders of fake credit cards. You showed her how to make one and taught her how to enchant it. It felt good to be able to teach her something, for a change. Most of the time, she'd been the one showing you the ways of magic.

Seeing the look on her face, you couldn't hold back a smile. It's been a while since you saw her like this, so content and carefree. She deserved a break from all the darkness.

Rowena noticed you looking at her and, taking a quick sip of her water, she asked: "What?"

"You look happy," you said honestly. She was beginning to look like her old self again. Taking her out had been the right choice.

"I _am_ happy." Setting her glass aside, she reached for your hand, twining your fingers in a firm knot. "I owe it to you, dear. I don't know what I would've done without you."

Heat pooled in your cheeks, turning them red. Compliments always made you blush – especially those given by her. "You'd find a way. You always do," you reminded her.

"Not this time." Her face fell, smile fading from her lips.

"Hey, you survived. You're here, you're getting better, things are going well."

"At what cost?" She sighed, swallowing a lump that formed in her throat. "None of this would have happened if I hadn't let _Lucifer,"_ she spat his name like it was poison, "deceive me."

"It's not you who let him out. It was Castiel." You loved your fallen friend, but you couldn't let your girlfriend take the full blame when it was him who made everything worse. She'd messed up the spell on purpose, but it was Castiel who said yes to the devil. Yet, for some reason, he was the one who got blamed the least. You couldn't have that. Rowena played a part in it, but the full extent of the blame wasn't on her. And unlike the angel, she'd owned up to it. "Lucifer lied to you. That's what he does. I'm not saying it was okay for you to work with him, but he took advantage. That's all on _him."_

Rowena took a breath. "He took advantage, yes."

A pang of guilt pulled at your heart. You could have chosen your words better. Squeezing her hand, you said: "I'm sorry. I wasn't talking about–"

"I know." She chuckled. "Look at us! Out for a fancy dinner and what are we talking about? We've gone mad!"

"Isn't that why we're together?" you quipped with a wink, prompting her to give a soft laugh. "Seriously, though, this is _your_ night. We'll talk about whatever you want."

"How about those two strapped lads behind you?" she teased.

You gave her a look. "Seriously?"

Rowena shrugged. "They're quite easy on the eyes."

Frowning, you turned to look in the direction she was facing. She wasn't wrong. The guys appeared to be quite handsome. "I don't think we're their type," you commented. Those two appeared to be only interested in each other, engaged in a playful conversation, smiling and laughing like they were all alone in the world. It was cute, it you dare say so. It reminded you of your and Rowena's happier times.

"Someone could say the same for us," Rowena pointed out.

You had to admit she was right. For all you knew, they could've swung both ways just like the two of you.

The waiter's return interrupted your little staring game. Both of you ordered the most expensive meals the restaurant had to offer. This was a night of fun, the first one in weeks. You would be damned if you missed the chance to enjoy it to the fullest. Once the waiter was gone, you started sipping on your wine. Much to your delight, it was sweet, almost like juice. Finally a drink you could enjoy.

"Darling?" Rowena said, looking you in the eyes.

"Hm?"

"Are you happy?"

You frowned. Where did that come from? "What?"

"Are you happy?" she repeated, reaching for your hand again. "You've been taking care of me for all these weeks. I never thought to ask if it was alright with you."

"I don't mind," you said. "I'm not gonna lie – it's hard sometimes, but it's not a problem. I'm happy when you're happy." She still didn't look convinced, averting her eyes to avoid looking at you. "You're not a burden, Rowena. Don't ever think you are."

Seeing her like this was breaking your heart. All her life, people who took care of her wanted something in return. She'd learned to give if she wanted to receive. Not even that would work all the time; you clenched your teeth as you thought back to the Loughlins, of her offering herself to them, of them humiliating her and throwing her out like trash. That wasn't you. It would never be you. You would kill yourself before throwing her out when she most needed you. The only thing you asked for in return was her wellbeing. You didn't want sex or favors. You just wanted her to be okay.

"Besides," you added, "I like taking care of you. Gives me something to do. You know how much of a lazyass I am."

Her face lit up. "True," she agreed, chuckling. "One idle lass, you are."

Your food arrived shortly after. You ate in silence, every now and then looking up at one another with a smile. It felt good to enjoy simple things. Your lives were far from it, but times like this you felt almost normal. For at least a little while, you weren't witches in hiding from Satan. Rather, you were just two girls on a date in an expensive restaurant, enjoying your night out.

Maybe, one day, that's what you were going to be. You had to have hope for a better future. A future without danger. A future where Rowena could sleep without nightmares haunting her dreams. A future where you wouldn't fear leaving her alone for more than ten minutes. A future where you could both be happy.

The sound of rapid breathing shook you out of your thoughts of what could be, bringing you back to the reality that had all of a sudden turned dark, all the previous light vanishing as if it had never existed. In a split second, Rowena's hand was holding onto yours for dear life, as if Lucifer himself would appear out of thin air and hurt her all over again if she were to let go.

Which, as you quickly learned, wasn't that far from the truth – at least in Rowena's mind.

"He's here," she said, voice full of panic you hadn't heard in days. She emphasized each word by squeezing your hand, long crimson nails digging into your skin enough to leave marks.

Swallowing back a pained hiss, you asked: "What?"

"Lucifer," Rowena clarified, tears filling her fear-widened eyes. "He's here. He's found me."

Your own eyes widening, you turned to look in the direction she was facing. Sure enough, there was a man occupying one of the tables on the other end of the restaurant. He was blonde and, though you couldn't get the best look at him due to the distance, you could tell his face was rather handsome.

What he was _not,_ though, was the devil.

"We have to leave!" Rowena said, breaths quickening.

Looking back at her, a gasp escaped you at the sight of her. She was shaking as if struck by a seizure. Her heart, just like her breathing, beat fast, each thud sending her chest heaving up and down.

You had seen her frightened, but never like this. For the first time in your life, you weren't certain what to do. How do you calm down someone who appeared to be on the verge of falling apart?

"Rowena, it's not him," you told her, looking back one more time just to be sure. From a certain angle the man could be mistaken for Lucifer, but in the grand scheme of things, he was a nobody. He was just some random guy who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. "It's not Lucifer."

"It's him," Rowena whispered, voice breaking. As soon as the last word left her mouth, lights all around the restaurant started flickering, accompanied by bright, almost blinding sparks of electricity. The windows burst open, slamming shut before opening again, a vicious cycle that never seemed to end.

A commotion broke out, panic spreading like wildfire. Some of the guests ran straight for the door, not daring to turn back. Others simply stared at the strange occurrences, loudly wondering what was going on. A few were calling for the staff, demanding answers in a tone that left no room for argument.

Rowena had had breakdowns before, but never had her magic gone out of control. "It's not him," you repeated in an attempt to soothe her worries, looking her directly in the eyes. You weren't scared; you knew she would never hurt you, but a witch of her caliber losing control of her magic was dangerous. Power like that running wild could only cause harm. Voice softening, you said: "It's just some random guy. It's _not_ Lucifer, I swear."

She finally allowed herself to look back at the guy. Taking a long, hard look, she sighed in realization, relief flooding her veins. A look of shame crossed her tear-drenched face. She lowered her head, body still trembling, only now, instead of fear it was humiliation that drove it.

"I thought it was him." Her tone was broken, defeated, as if her entire world crumbled and left her in nothing but misery.

"I know, sweetheart. It's okay," you said softly. You couldn't blame her. It was an easy mistake to make, especially considering everything she'd gone through. "It was a mistake. It happens."

"I'm pathetic."

"You're not," you assured her. "You made a mistake. It's not a big deal."

"I am," she insisted. "I ruined your night. I ruined everything."

"You didn't. Sweetheart, I swear you didn't. Just calm down, please. Everything'll be okay."

"I can't!" she said, and she hated herself for it. You could see it in her eyes, that signature pride of hers slowly eaten away by self-loathing. "I can't calm down!"

She was an inch away from sobbing now, holding it back with all she had. No matter how broken, she would never let herself break down in public. She would rather keep it in than let it show; you were no expert, but you believed that was part of the reason her magic acted as if it had a will of its own. You couldn't blame her. Crying in public was hard. You couldn't even imagine what it would be like to have a full-blown panic attack. People staring, whispering amongst themselves, judging as if they knew her… it would be too much for Rowena to handle.

The tears she couldn't stop anymore, but the rest she could manage. For now.

Disregarding the commotion around you, you got up from your seat and ran to Rowena's side, wrapping her up in a hug. You couldn't do much for her when she was like this, but you had found that hugs helped. Whenever she was distressed, she would hug you. And if you would open your arms first, she would nestle into you without hesitation, like she was a chick and you were mother hen, warm and safe.

Just like all those times before, she let you hold her, resting her cheek against your chest. She said nothing, did nothing, made no sound at all. As still as a statue, she stared straight ahead. Tears fell from those green eyes. She made no attempts to stop them or wipe them away. Her hands were on her lap, balled into fists, clutching the fine fabric of her dress.

"It's okay," you whispered, gently rocking her. "You're safe. I won't let him hurt you."

You knew she believed you because as soon as you said that, one of her hands grabbed hold of your forearm. "I'm sorry," she said in a small voice, hating herself for uttering those words. Rowena never said sorry. Even when she was wrong, she preferred to apologize with actions rather than words.

"It's not your fault," you said. If she wanted to be open with her apologies, she should do it when she actually does something wrong. Breaking down in public was as much her fault as heat waves in Europe were yours. There was only one person – one monster – to blame and you swore it on your life that he would suffer for it. "Breathe, sweetheart. Just breathe and relax. Focus on me."

It seemed to do the trick, for the windows finally slammed shut for good. The lights still flickered, albeit faintly; soon enough, you were certain, they, too, would go still. The waiters started rushing from table to table, apologizing for the inconvenience and offering free meals in compensation. You felt bad. It wasn't their fault Rowena's magic had gone out of control and wreaked havoc on the restaurant. It wasn't Rowena's, either. There was only one person to blame, and unfortunately, he was in a whole different world, no doubt planning his return. And when he did come back, you would be ready.

A waiter soon approached you, about to apologize, when he noticed Rowena shaking in your arms. Features twisting into a look of pure panic, he said: "Are you alright, ma'am? Should we call an ambulance?"

"She's fine," you lied. You couldn't exactly tell him she was having a panic attack because she thought she'd seen her rapist, and that the reason the hotel got all horror movie was her magic. Even if he would believe such a thing, Rowena wouldn't be comfortable about a stranger learning the truth. Some things were better kept quiet. "She's a bit nauseous. Low blood sugar."

He seemed to buy it. "Is there anything she needs?"

What she needed right now was peace and quiet, and she wasn't getting it in a crowded place like this. "A bit of fresh air and she'll be as good as new."

Carefully stepping back, you took both her hands into yours, helping her get on her feet. All the while, the waiter spouted the rehearsed nonsense consisting of apologies and free meals, but you paid him no mind. Any other time you would have accepted his offer, but not now. Now, all that mattered was getting Rowena home.

Her knees were wobbly, trembling like the rest of her body, but she managed to remain on her feet. She leaned heavily onto you, one arm draped around your middle for security. Your own arm was around her just to be safe, fingers twined with hers in a gentle, loving knot. She let you lead her outside, taking a deep breath of fresh, chilly evening air. Her tears had dried by the time you started your walk home. That beautiful face of hers was pale, rid of everything remotely similar to emotion. Whatever she was feeling, she kept it in for the time being, collecting it all inside until she reached the safety of the apartment. There she could scream and cry all she wanted; if there was anyone she could be vulnerable in front of, it was you. The spell you'd cast long ago would make sure no sounds left the apartment's walls.

"Feeling better?" you asked.

"No," she responded honestly, voice equally emotionless as her face. As if to emphasize her words, her fingers squeezed yours.

"Hang on for just a bit longer. We'll be home soon."

A small nod was all she gave in acknowledgment of your words. You walked the rest of the way in silence, each lost in thought. Your hands remained linked, arms never leaving the other's body. Not many would dare be this close to a powerful witch having a breakdown, losing control of her magic in the process, but you liked being at her side. That was when she most needed you. What kind of a girlfriend would you be if you left her to her own devices at a time when she was most vulnerable?

She may have put on a mask of independence, but deep down she needed someone to take care of her. You were honored to be one of the few people – if not the only one in centuries – that she allowed to get that close.

The first thing Rowena did when you got home was kick off her heels and run straight for the bedroom. You followed right after her, locking the door and ditching your shoes in the hallway. As you were laying your handbag on the couch on your way over to her, sounds that could have only been sobs attacked your ears. You wasted no time, throwing the damned bag away and joining her in the bedroom.

You found her on the bed. She was lying on her side, hands holding onto the sheets firmly enough to turn her knuckles as white as them. Her face – her beautiful, beautiful face – was red, eyes swollen with tears that fell and fell and fell, like a never ending waterfall of sadness. Cold chills cascaded down your spine at the sobs that tore from her throat. Her wails were inconsolable, as if the entire world's fear and sadness nestled in her heart, swallowing her whole.

"Rowena?" you said softly, unsure of the best course of action. Should you approach her? Did she _want_ you to approach her? Would hugging her help like it did all those times before, or would it make everything worse? You had never seen her like this before. She'd had breakdowns, but never like this. This was the first time you'd seen her actually, genuinely falling apart. And the worst part was, you didn't know what to do about it. That alone was driving you crazy. "Sweetheart?"

"It feels like he's inside of me," she sobbed, chest heaving with every word that left her mouth. "Like he's holding me down and forcing his way inside over and over again."

You froze at her words, blood turning to ice. If Lucifer were to return, you could protect her. You could shield her with your body or cast spells to keep him away. You could make sure he never touched her again. Protecting her from him in her mind, though, was next to impossible. How could you even begin to help her when you couldn't understand her pain? You knew it hurt her, knew it made her life hell, but you couldn't comprehend it. You had never felt a pain like that. Usually, it was a terrible thing to wish for, but now you wished more than anything that you could feel what she felt. At least then you would know what to do.

"I can't do this anymore! It hurts!" she whimpered. "Please, make it stop!"

Slowly, you approached her. Reaching out to touch her, you were relieved to find no protests. You carefully laid down behind her and, touching her shoulder once again to make sure she was alright with it, put your arms around her. Rowena welcomed the embrace, clasping her hands over yours. She held on desperately, long, red nails pressing into your skin once again. You paid no mind to the pain; in comparison to what she was going through, it was nothing.

"I'm here," you whispered softly, tightening your hold on her. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. He'll never hurt you again. Focus on me, okay? Focus on my voice. I'm here and he's not. I'm real and he's not."

"I can't!" she cried. Her body shook like that of an addict in need of a fix, nails digging deeper into your skin. She knew you were right; she wanted to believe your words with all her heart, but her aching mind was too focused on pain to allow reality to settle, reliving bad memories instead.

Still too weak to fight it, Rowena clung to you physically, praying her heart would come to reason with her mind. She could do that – you knew she could. This was just temporary, a small but painful reminder of her trauma that would fade away. You just had to give it a little more time. Your Rowena would be back in a flash.

"You can," you assured her, pressing a kiss to her hair. "You're my strong girl. There's nothing you can't do." You remembered all those times she stood proud and strong, tough as nails. She may have been short, but that tiny bean was a force to be reckoned with. If there was anyone that could live through this, it was her. "I'm gonna help you. You're not alone anymore. I'm here and I love you and, I promise you, I won't let anyone hurt you again."

Gently, you started rocking her, like a mother soothing an infant. It seemed to do the trick, for Rowena calmed. She was still crying and her breaths and heartbeats were still faster than normal, but her shaking had subsided. Closing her eyes, she slowly relaxed, letting your comforting voice guide her into calmness. Her hands released yours from their deathly hold, opting instead to twine your fingers with hers.

"I love you," you whispered over and over again. You repeated it until you were certain she believed you, believed the safety behind those simple yet powerful words.

You spoke of the incident no more, but that night, you made sure to embrace her and, as she was falling asleep, you told you loved her one more time. Just to assure her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editor: [UltimateFandomTrash](http://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateFandomTrash/pseuds/UltimateFandomTrash/)
> 
> Huge thanks to everyone who read, commented, and/or left kudos. Your support means the world!
> 
> Also, I would like to thank [UltimateFandomTrash](http://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateFandomTrash/pseuds/UltimateFandomTrash/) for giving me information on how to write a panic attack scene, and [Passmesomepie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/passmesomepie/) for the information on ordering in expensive restaurants. You guys are awesome!


	7. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback! It means a lot!

Rowena was tired of living in fear.

So tired that, when Sam and Dean called with news of Lucifer's capture, for the first few moments all she did was stare in silence. It was as if all the words she'd been wanting to say for months had vanished, all traces of their existence gone. Her mind was blank, a vast field of nothingness. Where there used to be words now was only silence.

It took her some time, but when she finally came to, she was clear – she was ready to send the bastard back where he belonged. She expected more resistance from you, but, much to her surprise, you were more supportive than you'd ever been. Concern was written all over your face – face that wordlessly, though very obviously screamed: "Bad idea!" You didn't want her anywhere near him. Rowena didn't need to hear you say it to know that's what you were thinking. She couldn't blame you; if your roles had been reversed, she would want you to stay as far away from him as possible.

But she had to do this. It was the only way for her to regain her freedom.

You knew that. You disagreed and wished with all you had that she that she would change her mind, but you knew she had to do it. No amount of pleading or arguing was going to make her give up on what she'd planned.

The only thing you had left to do was support her.

Before leaving the apartment, you gently laid your hands on her shoulders and looked her directly in the eyes. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to," you reminded her, tone laced with concern she'd grown accustomed to in the months of you taking care of her.

That was the only thing you'd been doing since day one. Taking care of her. Nursing her back to health. Comforting her. Holding her. Rowena couldn't comprehend how you could do it. She would have snapped under pressure a long time ago. Even now, on the way to confront the person who would, no doubt, trigger the worst of her memories, and would, more likely than not, in turn cause her to turn to you once again, all you cared about was what she wanted.

It mattered not that she would burden you. What did matter, however, were her wishes. Even after all this time, Rowena still struggled to accept that this was real, that _you_ were real, that the life she had wasn't just a figment of her imagination her wayward mind had conjured up to give her a sense of safety. She had a home, a real one. It was far from opulent hotels she'd grown accustomed to, but it was warm and safe, and that was what she'd always craved. She didn't have to run anymore. And if she were to go on an adventure, she had a home to return to.

Putting her delicate hands on your cheeks, Rowena said: "I want to do this." The determination in her tone was hard to miss.

You nodded, clasping your hand over one of hers and bringing it to your lips to press a soft kiss to its top. "Okay," you said. The idea appealed to you no more now than it did when you'd first heard it, but you supported her. More for her peace of mind that yours. "But if you change your mind…"

"I won't change my mind," Rowena insisted. "Lucifer is going down."

A month had passed since the restaurant outing. Ever since then, Rowena hadn't had the courage to leave the apartment. Every time she'd look out the window, the fear that Lucifer might be out there, waiting for her, would kill any desire for going outside. Neither of you mentioned the incident, preferring to keep it in the past. Rowena suspected you feared bringing it up would hurt her. Instead, you silently, wordlessly accepted that she wasn't going out.

Until today.

Today was when it was finally going to be over. Lucifer wouldn't be able to hurt her anymore. After today, all fear would be just that – fear. Irrational. Unfounded. Once he was back in the cage, Rowena would be one hundred percent sure he couldn't get to her.

But first she had to face her biggest fear. She had to look him in the eyes and tell him she'd won. He started this game, but it would be her who would finish it.

You said nothing as you drove to the bunker, keeping your eyes firmly glued to the road ahead. Rowena stared out the window, lost in her own thoughts. Seeing Lucifer again going to be difficult, but it needed to be done. Unlike two months ago, he was the defenseless one this time. He was the one who was helpless and completely at her mercy. He couldn't beat on her and kick her as she tried to get away from him, crawling like a helpless child. He couldn't pull her hair and slam her head against the floor. He couldn't hold her down and rape her, over and over again, as if she were nothing but a toy to be played with.

Now, they were playing the game on her terms. Rowena had made it a point to let him know just how much the tables have turned. He wanted to break her and kill her, but in the end, she would be the one having the last word.

As Rowena reached to open the door, your hand on hers stopped her in place.

"Are you absolutely sure?" you asked.

"Aye," she replied. There was more determination in her tone than you had ever heard before. You hid it well, but Rowena could see the impact her decisiveness had on you. There was a time when she would find it bothersome. Had it been anyone else, she might have done so, but you were different. You had taken care of her for months without asking for anything in return. Thinking back to when she appeared at your door, looking like she'd been to hell and back (which wasn't that far from the truth), she couldn't blame you for wanting to keep her safe.

You'd always been protective of her. Even before you got to know her, back when you first met her and only knew that she was an evil witch, you stood up for her. You chastised Sam for keeping her prisoner. When she'd asked why, you simply said: "It's not right."

"I'm a wicked witch," Rowena replied, thinking it would change your mind.

It hadn't in the slightest. "You're still a person."

The closer the two of you got, the more protective you became. And when you started dating… the few hunters that tried to hurt her along the way learned the hard way never to mess with Y/N's girlfriend.

Rowena, of course, gladly returned the favor. It took a while to reawaken it, but her protective instinct equaled yours. Heavens help anyone who tries to – let alone does – lay a hand on you.

Giving a small nod of acknowledgment, you said: "Okay." You took a breath. "Rowena? I love you."

"And I love you," Rowena responded, leaning over for a quick kiss. Openly expressing feelings had been a novelty for her. She was still struggling with it, preferring to show her love rather than say it. But then, there were moments like this when words felt just right, as if nothing else in the whole wide world would be good enough.

A sick feeling washed over Rowena as she walked towards the door. Her stomach churned as if there was a storm brewing inside it, and she found herself regretting having a big breakfast. Her heartbeats fastened, but she told herself it was just nerves. It's not every day that you come face to face with your torturer and rapist. She would calm down in no time. All she needed was a wee bit of time to adjust.

Sam opened the door as soon as you knocked, letting you in once you exchanged greetings.

"You're sure this is safe?" you asked, instantly getting down to business.

"Positive," he replied.

"Our alternate world buddies had a few tricks up their sleeve," Dean added, shooting the both of you a bright smile. "He's definitely grounded." He winked. "How you guys doing?"

"We've had better days," you said with a sigh. "I'm just glad this'll finally be over."

"Tell me about it," Dean agreed.

Yes, it will be over. Rowena just had to cast a wee spell and Lucifer would go away for good. After months of living in fear of her own shadow, she would finally be free.

She was shaken out of her thoughts by a short-haired blonde coming into view, saying: "So you're the witch everyone's talking about."

"About time I met mother Winchester!" Rowena quipped, curling her lips into a smirk.

Arms crossed, leaning against the wall, Mary looked every bit as Winchester as Sam and Dean had. Rowena could tell where the brothers got their posture from. She was handsome, a woman who, by the looks of it, knew how to take care of herself and wasn't afraid to show it. Had she not known she was the most powerful person in the room, Rowena would have been intimidated.

"I'm Y/N. The witch no one's talking about," you said half-jokingly.

"You're the girlfriend, right?" Mary asked, looking from you to Rowena.

"That's me!"

Rowena sought company of her thoughts while the four of you engaged in small talk. If only she could find it in her to be as relaxed as you were. Her mind, still as fragile as it had been when she showed up at your door looking more dead than alive, wouldn't be at peace until Lucifer was taken care of.

Luckily, it didn't take long for the conversation to shift from nonchalant things to business. As it turned out, Lucifer was in the dungeon (the same one Rowena had been chained up in once), securely imprisoned and with no means to escape. Mary, on the run from Lucifer, made a few friendships in the alternate world and, in exchange for simple favors, got hold of chains that could subdue an archangel.

Shivers cascading down her spine, Rowena lowered her glance. He was down below, perhaps even right beneath her feet. It could have been her nerves, or perhaps his aura was strong enough to penetrate the bonds keeping him imprisoned, but Rowena could almost feel him. His touch lingered on her skin, long healed bruises stinging just as they had all those months ago. Her foot, that hadn't even borne a scar, ached, the phantom sting of the cut burrowing deep into her, all the way to the bone. This was the closest she'd been to him since the hotel, where he ambushed her and did things to her that her body may have forgotten, but her mind never would.

The brothers insisted Rowena do the spell as soon as possible. They had no way of knowing how long the chains would hold him; even if they were permanent, having Satan in the basement wasn't the most pleasant of experiences. That monster had hurt every single one of them. Sometimes, Rowena forgot that she wasn't his only victim. They wanted him gone just as much as she had.

"I want to see him," she said out of the blue, starling everyone. Voicing her thoughts aloud helped keep the invisible pain at bay. For a moment, as the words left her mouth one by one, she felt fine. The more she let out, the less she kept in, and it helped with the pressure of the sudden pain she'd thought to be long gone.

Maybe that was all she needed – a good talk with somebody who knew what they were doing. A professional. She almost scoffed at the thought. As if she would ever humiliate herself like that. With the Winchesters knowing about her torture, her dignity had suffered enough. The last thing she needed was a stranger sitting her down on some dirty couch and getting her to talk about her feelings.

She had you for that. You may not have attended snobby schools and had fancy degrees, but at the very least you knew her. You knew what she needed, when she needed it. She didn't have to ask for hugs or comforting words. Without her having to utter a simple word, you simply knew. And unlike those leeches who were only after her money, ready to pump her full of chemicals, you never once took advantage of her fragile state.

Out of all people, you were the only one she was never afraid to be weak in front of. It didn't matter if she sobbed or cried or trashed around as her dreams were plagued by nightmares, all before your very eyes. Her pride and dignity remained intact throughout it all.

And, as expected, you were the first to express displeasure at her decision. "You can't be serious!"

Rowena shot you a look that said she was, in fact, very, very serious. "Deadly," she responded, her tone matching the determination on her face. As much as she appreciated you worrying for her safety, there were times she wished you weren't so damn overprotective. She was a grown woman, hundreds of years your senior. She could make her own decisions, no matter how dumb you perceived them to be.

"Why?" Dean inquired, looking as baffled as the rest.

Rowena shrugged. "Call it unfinished business."

"Call it stupidity," you said. "Need I remind you what happened at the restaurant?"

That was then. This is now. Rowena knew laying her eyes on him would bring back painful memories, but she needed to see him just one more time. She needed him to know that she had won. He may have victimized her, but she was so much more than his victim. She was a survivor, a fighter, a force to be reckoned with.

Lucifer started this war. She was going to finish it.

"I'll be fine," she said, tone a warning to say nothing more of the incident. The Winchesters didn't need to know. It was enough that they knew about the torture, even having heard it on the phone. If they were to find out what actually happened and the traces it left on her psyche, she would break. Her pride wouldn't be able to handle it.

Throwing your hands up, you sighed in exasperation. Even after three years of knowing Rowena, you could never quite get used to her stubbornness. "Think about it. _Please."_ You widened your eyes as you said it, giving you a look of a hurt puppy.

You should have known Rowena wouldn't fall for that. "I thought about it and my decision is final."

"Sweetheart."

Seriously? You were going to _sweetheart_ her now? "Darling," Rowena said warningly. Two could play this game.

"Honey."

"Dear."

"Okay, enough of this passive aggressive bullshit!" Dean snapped, looking back and forth between the two of you.

"You're going to get hurt! _Again!"_ you said, ignoring the elder Winchester.

"I can take care of myself!" Rowena snapped.

You scoffed. "Could have fooled me." Your face told her you regretted those words as soon as they left your mouth.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rowena had an inkling of a doubt what. Though she was usually independent, for the past two months she had done nothing but depend on you. You tended to her every need, fulfilled her every wish. You claimed you had no issue taking care of her, but Rowena was more than aware that everyone had their limits.

The only question was, how long until you snapped?

"It means you're going to get hurt!" you said, calming down a bit.

"I won't," Rowena promised. Walking over to you, she took one of your hands into her own and brought it to her lips to kiss it. "Darling, I have to do this."

Features softening, you said: "I only want you to be safe."

"I _will_ be. You must understand – I _have to_ confront him."

And you did. You knew her well enough to understand her need for revenge. As much as you hated the idea, the only thing you had left to do was support her. Rowena was a stubborn creature. What she wanted, she did, no matter who or what stood in her way. She was going to do this with or without your approval. Not out of malice or spite; she could never bring herself to feel that way about you. It was simply the way that she was.

"Fine, but I wanna be there," you said after a moment of thought. "You're not doing this alone."

Rowena was less than thrilled to have you in the same room as Lucifer, but you could be just as stubborn as her. Just like she wanted to confront him, you wanted to be there with her. "If you insist."

"I do." Leaning over, you pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I love you."

"Aye, I know," Rowena said with a small smile. _I love you, too._ Had the three extremely impatient Winchesters not been there, she would have said it out loud.

"Done being sappy?" Dean asked.

Rowena shot him a glare, straightening up to regain her proud, almost regal poise. "Take me to him."

Sighing, Dean motioned for her to follow him. "For the record, I think it's a terrible idea."

"I don't remember asking for your input."

He rolled his eyes, muttering something sarcastic under his breath that Rowena pretended not to hear.

Mary had wisely chosen to remain upstairs, sipping on a beer. Two months with Lucifer in an alternate dimension had been more than enough for her. Rowena would have preferred to go on her own, but the brothers, ever stubborn, insisted that they be present. When the time came, though, she hoped they would keep their distance.

The more she neared the dungeon, the faster her heart beat. Pounding against her ribcage with loud, hard pounds, it felt as if it wanted to jump out of her chest. The bottom of her foot throbbed, every step setting thousands of her nerves on fire, the aching heat wrapping around her foot as if she were walking on needles. Rowena wasn't sure whether it was instinct or a conscious decision, but as the door hiding Lucifer came into view, she found herself grabbing hold of your hand. You instantly squeezed, giving her a look that promised comfort. You would be there, just like you always were. No matter what happened, that was one thing Rowena could always count on.

"Are you sure about this?" Sam asked, eyeing the key he held in his hand.

Rowena looked around, observing each of your faces. Dean looked at her as if she was crazy, unable to comprehend why she would want to go face to face with the man that had caused her so much pain. Sam, on the other hand, attempted to show some understanding. Having had unpleasant experiences with Lucifer, himself, he, at least partially, understood why she wished to confront him.

Your face was the only she couldn't read. It was a mask of something that was supposed to be encouragement, but she knew there were layers of hidden emotion underneath it – emotion you'd only hidden for her sake. You knew fighting her on this was futile, so you swallowed your concern and put on a brave face. Everything for Rowena. Just like all those times before, you'd put her first. Her feelings, no matter how much you disapproved of them, came before yours.

 _My bonny lass,_ Rowena thought compassionately, suddenly feeling guilty. How much pressure have you been under? When this was all over, the two of you were going to have a nice, long talk. And afterwards, Rowena was going to take you out to dinner you never got to have. It was the least you deserved after putting up with her for all this time. Most people would have called it quits within days.

Giving a squeeze of her own, Rowena released your hand and turned to Sam, giving him a firm, decisive nod. This was it. It was now or never, and she wasn't going to waste any more time.

Nodding back in understanding, Sam slid the key into the lock. Rowena's heart skipped a beat with every twist and turn. The younger Winchester gave her a final look to make sure she was on board with this. Seeing her unchanged expression, he slowly opened the door. Rowena struggled to breathe, but she managed to keep her breaths under control. Nice and steady. In and out. This was just like meeting an old friend, she told herself in an attempt to make light of the situation. An old friend who had once killed you, and a little over a year afterwards tortured and raped you, but an old friend nonetheless.

There was nothing to be afraid of. The brothers wouldn't have agreed to let her do this if they weren't absolutely certain he wouldn't be able to harm her. Still, Rowena couldn't shake the feeling of dread that overcame her. The phantom pain in her foot worsened, as if someone had pinned nails into her sole with a hammer, every little step a new whack. Her skin was once again marred with countless bruises and cuts, invisible but, to Rowena's wounded soul, all too real. It felt as if all the injuries Lucifer had inflicted on resurfaced, as if they had never healed, instead hiding under her skin and waiting for the right moment to return and make her weak again.

The worst pain had been the one in her crotch. Had the Winchesters not been there, she would have curled up on the floor and screamed. Rowena was rational. She knew it was just her mind playing tricks on her, but it felt so real. If she was to close her eyes, it wouldn't be the dungeon's dark halls she would see; they would be replaced by blood-smeared walls of the hotel room. She could feel Lucifer's hands on her wrists, holding her down as she struggled. She could feel him ripping her panties off, could feel him entering her, breaking her walls over and over again as she begged for him to stop until finally, screams were the only sound tearing from her throat.

"Hi, Sammy!" Lucifer said cheerfully, like a friend greeting another.

The sound of his voice shook Rowena back to reality. Before she could stop it, a gasp escaped her mouth. She was quick to regain her composure, sucking in a deep breath. He still sounded the same. That voice was still as disgusting as it had been two months ago. The words he'd said were innocent enough, but all Rowena could hear were gasps and purrs of pleasure as he invaded her body.

Sam and Dean remained in the hallway, each lingering by the door. They wanted to be here in case anything went wrong, but at the very least they could wait outside. This was something Rowena needed to do without them. If she were to stumble, you would be there to catch her. The brothers didn't need to see any more of her weakness.

You entered the dungeon first, your head high, eyes looking directly into Lucifer's in what was supposed to be intimidation.

The devil, as usual, took it as a game, instead. "You brought friends? How sweet!"

As soon as Rowena stepped into view, his face lit up. His lips widened into a thousand watt smile, as bright as the sun itself. His eyes, as icy and deadly as she remembered them, sparkled with anticipation with every little step she took inside.

"What do we have here?" he said, looking her up and down, those icy blues devouring her, undressing her with nothing but their stare itself. "Hi, red! Nice seeing you here. Miss me? I sure missed you."

The playfulness in his tone made Rowena tense up. After everything he'd done to her, he still wanted to play his sick game. He wanted to finish her off, destroy every last shred of strength she had left. Chained up to a chair, in a circle of holy fire that, Rowena thought, had been there as a precaution in case the chains failed, he didn't look like much of a threat. But Rowena knew better. Lucifer didn't have to physically touch something to break it. When it came to him, words could be as deadly as touch itself – sometimes even more so.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Rowena felt your hands on her shoulders, pulling her close to you. Eyes never leaving Lucifer's, staring him down like a predator, you pressed a kiss to her forehead. One of your hands slid down her arm, giving hers a quick squeeze. Rowena was surprised that was all you did. She'd expected you to call him every name in the book, and maybe even lunge at him like a wild animal.

There was a storm brewing inside of you; Rowena could feel it in your touch, see it in your eyes that so ferociously stared into Lucifer's. Knowing you, it wouldn't take long before you snapped. One wrong word from the devil's mouth could pull your trigger, and then… Rowena wasn't sure what you would do. All she knew was that it wouldn't be pleasant.

"Young love," Lucifer commented, amused by your display of affection. "How sweet."

_How sweet…_

_How sweet…_

Suddenly, Rowena was pulled from the dungeon back to the hotel room of horror. Cold shivers ran down her spine as the devil's hand wrapped around her throat.

"Oh, you think screaming's going to help you? How sweet!" He pouted in an almost childlike manner. Had he not been assaulting her, Rowena would have found it cute. "You're adorable, you know that, red? So adorable."

Climbing all the way on top of her, he leaned over. His lips captured her earlobe, sucking on it before releasing it. Tears spilled from Rowena's eyes at the unwanted touch. Never before had she felt this dirty, this ruined. Every inched of her pulsated, nerves exploding like tiny sparks of electricity inside her body.

His hand released her throat and she took deep breaths of relief, which was short lasted for as soon as his fingers left her sensitive skin, his tongue replaced them. It slithered up and down her neck, like a hot, wet snail crawling over her skin. Rowena's stomach turned, her breakfast and lunch ready to escape through her mouth. _No more,_ she thought, hating how desperate she sounded even inside her head. _Please, no more._

_No more…_

_No more…_

"What's the matter, Rowena? Cat got your tongue?"

Lucifer's snide voice brought her back to the dungeon. Gulping, she took a small breath to calm her stirring stomach. They're just memories, she reminded herself. They couldn't hurt her unless she allowed them to.

She'd had so many things to say, so many insults and threats to spew at the monster before her. But seeing him, it was like all the words had left her, disappearing from her mind as if they were never there. She was numb. Were it not for the phantom pains keeping her firmly grounded in reality, she would have thought this a dream.

If she were to try to utter a word against her body's wishes, she would break. The last thing she wanted was for Lucifer to see her broken – again. One time was too many. The only thing that was left for her to do was stare in silence and hope the stoic mask she'd rearranged her features into was convincing enough.

She had come here to showcase her victory. Considering he had been chained up and powerless, that shouldn't have been so difficult.

"I thought you'd be more excited to see me. I know I am." Lucifer chuckled, and then his eyes shifted to you. "You even brought the missus along. Long time no see, Y/N!"

Something snapped inside Rowena, like a bomb going off deep within the core of her being. "Don't talk to her," she said, finally finding her words. She kept her breaths shallow, willing herself to stay strong, to not crumble under pressure.

He could taunt her all he wanted, but you were off limits.

"She can talk!" Lucifer beamed, gasping dramatically. "It's a miracle!" The corners of his lips twisted into a smirk that caused her stomach to tie into knots. "Now, now, Rowena, don't be jealous. There's plenty of me to go around."

Rowena tensed at the implication of his words, a wave of uncomfortable heat pooling at the back of her neck and spilling down her back. She would die before she allowed him to lay a hand on you. She would die before she allowed him to lay a hand on _her_ again, let alone the person who had been with her through everything, who loved and cared for her when she needed it the most.

Sensing your agitation, Rowena grabbed onto your hand tightly, wordlessly urging you to remain calm. Getting a rise out of you was exactly what he wanted. Giving in to what he was trying to accomplish would only help further his delusion that he had won, and Rowena couldn't have that. Even if it was merely in his head, she couldn't let him have the satisfaction of even thinking he had gotten the upper hand. There was only one victor in this room, and it certainly wasn't him.

"It's over, Lucifer." Rowena practically spat it, her voice a hiss alike that of a venomous snake.

He raised an eyebrow in false curiosity. "Is it?"

"You lose," she continued, ignoring his question.

"Oh, really?" Cocking his head to the side, he eyed her, observing every inch of her body from head to toe. "I wouldn't be so sure. As you know, I always come out on top."

Rowena swallowed a lump that formed in her throat, body giving into a subtle yet terrifying twitch. Her foot was on fire, as was the rest of her body, invisible wounds digging into her skin, their razor-sharp teeth tearing her apart bit by bit. She was losing control, she realized as she found herself in yet another memory of horrors.

She could do nothing but yelp and cry as Lucifer's boots slammed into her body. When he grew tired of kicking her, he grabbed a handful of her hair, pulling her up to her knees. Without a word, his fist connected with her face. Left cheek. Right cheek. One after the other, he made sure every punch left a bruise. Her head flew sideways every time, neck twisting so hard she feared it would break again.

Lucifer wasn't that merciful this time.

Now he wanted her to feel every single thing he was doing to her. Death was an easy way out. Why kill her right away when he could have some fun torturing her first?

"Guys," Lucifer suddenly said, smirking in amusement, eyes drifting from her to you, and then to Sam and Dean. "Did you know there's a place called Rowena?"

One blink of her eyes and Rowena was back in the dungeon, her grip on your hand deadly, as if she would die if she were to let go. She stared ahead, teeth tightly grit, anger at her own helplessness mixing with the pain. She should have fought him off. He was an archangel, but she was one of the most powerful witches alive – if not _the_ most powerful one. Her power should have been enough to stop him from hurting her, to stop him from doing to her what no one ever had before.

Her power should have stopped him from breaking her.

"A tight, little place."

He winked at Rowena as he said it, causing her stomach to turn even more as the knowledge where this was going settled in. _No. Please, no._ Not in front of the Winchesters. They didn't need to know the full truth about the horrors she'd gone through.

"I've been there," he continued. "I've been _in_ Rowena. Get it?" He exploded into laughter, as if it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard.

Nobody laughed.

"Come on, don't make me explain the joke. It's not nearly as funny," he whined like a petulant child not getting his way.

Tears prickled at Rowena's eyes, and in that moment she wanted to do nothing but curl up on the floor and cry. Cry at her own misery. Cry at the disgusting, sickening weakness that had taken over her entire body. Cry at the fact that her secret was out, that everyone knew what had truly gone on in that hotel room.

Cry that even now, after months of healing, she still didn't have it in her to fight for her dignity.

Maybe she deserved what he'd done to her. If she hadn't, she would have gotten over it by now.

"Rowena, is the son of a bitch implying what I think he's implying?" Dean suddenly said, voice laced with fury.

Rowena didn't dare utter a word, didn't dare to look back out of fear of facing the Winchesters. She couldn't look at them and say that, yes, she had been raped, and no, she couldn't have stopped it from happening. It had been months and she was still a mess. She was supposed to be strong, the tough, no-nonsense witch they'd always known her as. How was she supposed to look them in the eyes now that it had all been revealed as being nothing but a carefully crafted façade?

Lucifer smirked, winking at the elder Winchester. "Why don't you ask Sammy?" His eyes returned to Rowena. Tutting in disapproval, he said: "You haven't told them? That's not good, Rowena. Not good at all. Have you at least told your girlfriend?" When she said nothing, he looked at you, rearranging his features into a look of forced compassion. "Y/N, I'm tremendously sorry that you have to hear this from me, but Rowena hasn't been faithful to you."

 _"Sweetheart, that is not cheating. Okay? It's not. Rape is_ not _cheating."_

Your words echoed in Rowena's head, over and over like a broken record player.

 _"Rape is_ not _cheating."_

 _"Rape is_ not _cheating."_

 _"Rape is_ not _cheating."_

It seemed so silly now, but back then she'd had honest doubts that you would forgive her. She hadn't wanted to lie with Lucifer, but the fact remained that she had been with him when, by starting a relationship with you, she'd promised to be with nobody but you. You were supposed to be the only one in her life from now on, her only lover, her only partner.

Rowena was grateful you didn't let Lucifer ruin that. Instead of pushing her away, you remained by her side, now more than ever. Slowly, day by day, step by step, you were helping her take back what he had stolen.

"She ever tell you I've been to her special place?"

He could say nothing more. Instinct or pure thirst for revenge, you reached your hand out, uttering words of magic. Lucifer started wheezing, gasping for breath as the invisible force squeezed at his neck.

"I'll fucking kill you!" you hissed venomously, fingers slowly clenching, gripping at the air.

"I like them feisty!" Lucifer said through ragged breaths. "Maybe there's a place called Y/N I could visit, too."

"You will never lay a hand on her!" Rowena said menacingly, voice a low, ice cold threat. A raised forefinger accompanied her words, pointing at him like a sniper aiming for its target.

"We'll see about that."

He gave another wink, another sickening wink that made Rowena want to claw his eyes out and feed them to him. How could a person be this cruel? Rowena had had her days of evil, but even then, she preferred to kill rather than torture. Even when she sought revenge, she never went this far.

Looking directly at you, Lucifer said: "You and I are gonna have some fun."

You lowered your hand, allowing him to take deep breaths. Releasing Rowena's hand, you took slow, cautious steps, stopping just an inch away from the holy flames. Rowena wanted to stop you, wanted to grab you and pull you back, but the only thing she could do was watch as you leaned forwards, a look of pure threat in your eyes.

"I don't think you'll be having fun," you said in a low voice.

Lucifer laughed in your face. "I'm already having plenty of fun."

"You think this is funny now, but you won't be laughing for long."

"I think it's hilarious!"

You did your best to remain calm, but Rowena could see you were barely holding back from jumping over the flames and squeezing the life out of him with your bare hands.

"In just a few minutes, you're going back to the cage," you said. "You know what's gonna happen then? You're gonna rot in there for all of eternity while Rowena and I sip martinis on some paradise island, far away from civilization. And you know what else? We're gonna laugh at you. Because we'll be free, and you won't. You will _never_ be free again. We've got freedom, and all you've got are lazy taunts. How's that for hilarious?"

A look of pure, unadulterated rage flashed across Lucifer's face. For a moment his eyes flashed red – a deep red that would have been menacing had he not been chained up and bound by fire.

"She liked it, you know? Having me inside of her," he taunted. "Think you can satisfy a woman like her? Think again, sweetheart. The V could never be as good as the D. Could it, Rowena?" Rowena shuddered as his eyes once again landed on her, threatening bloody murder and something much, much worse. "This little girl doesn't do it for you, does she? But I did. Every single time." He turned to you. "I've done all the work, but the moaning, the pleasure, that was all her. Turns out, all she needed was a _man."_

"Knock it off!" Dean snapped, on the verge of knocking his teeth out.

Lucifer paid him no mind, focusing on Rowena once again. "I was gonna go easy on you, but I've changed my mind. You can thank your little girlfriend for that." His voice got lower with each word, venom seeping through his chilly tone. "I'm gonna torture you like you've never been tortured before. By the time I'm done with you, you're gonna beg me to kill you. Then I'm gonna rape you. And then I'm gonna rape her while you watch. Think you had it bad the first time around? Then it was just business. Now it's pleasure."

A lot of things happened at the same time. Dean cursed, Sam's strong arms pulling him back in attempts to stop him from lunging at Lucifer. You raised your hand again, words of magic leaving your mouth in angry shouts. Your face was red, features forming a look of rage Rowena had never seen on you before.

And Rowena… Rowena cried. She couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They spilled from her eyes, falling freely down her rosy, burning cheeks. Her foot erupted into pain worse than she had ever felt before; quickly, it spread throughout her body, like poison in her veins, and soon enough the pain she'd felt a moment ago was like a paper cut in comparison to this. It felt like she was being torn apart, like sharp, invisible claws burrowed into her flesh and ripped it off, piece by piece, bit by bit, over and over again.

He did it. He broke her. This was supposed to be her victory, and yet Lucifer was the one who smiled and laughed, even as he moaned in pain. You were right – this had been a stupid idea. She should have just cast the spell and banished him where she would never have to see him again.

She should have known she could never beat him at this game.

Memory after memory of the hotel flashing in her mind like flashbacks in a movie, Rowena turned on her heel and ran. She ran and ran and ran until she no longer felt his hands on her neck, until she no longer felt him inside of her, invading her walls and bringing her pleasure she hated herself for giving into.

She hadn't been the one who'd won, she realized, shaking with sobs she neither could nor wanted to control – not anymore.

He had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editors: [BewitchedSquirrel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BewitchedSquirrel/) and [OswinTheStrange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OswinTheStrange/).
> 
> Once again, huge thanks to [UltimateFandomTrash](http://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateFandomTrash/pseuds/UltimateFandomTrash/) for trauma writing tips!
> 
> Let me know what you thought in the comments!


	8. Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback! It made me so happy!

You wasted no time running after Rowena. As much as you wanted to hurt Lucifer, your girl needed you. And when Rowena needed you, you made sure to always be there.

You were boiling, every single cell in your body seeping with rage, but as you rushed up the stairs, you willed your body to calm down. Fury wouldn't make a good look for providing comfort.

Sam and Dean followed after you, locking the door to Lucifer's prison before joining you up the stairs.

"Y/N! Wait up!" Dean called.

You ignored him, writing him off as a distraction. It wasn't the nicest things to do, but Rowena was in pain, scared and alone god knows where, and you had no time to waste in chatter. There would be time for talks after you made sure she was alright.

"Hey!"

His arm on your shoulder stopped you in place. Sighing, you turned to face him, the look on your face making it clear you weren't in the mood.

"What?" you demanded, a bit harsher than you'd intended. You knew neither brother meant any harm. They were just concerned; after all, you were their friend, and Rowena had become sort of an acquaintance.

"What Lucifer said in there – is it true?" Sam asked, voice filled with compassion that made your heart hurt. "Did he – did he really do that to Rowena?"

Swallowing, you looked him directly in the eyes as you said: "He did."

Your confirmation caused him to let out a breath. He turned his head, avoiding your stare, the look in his eyes something you couldn't decipher. There was almost a familiarity in them, as if the pain Rowena felt was something he knew too well. You didn't know much about his time in the cage with Lucifer. You doubted anyone did; just like Dean, Sam rarely spoke about his feelings out loud. Had something horrible happened in there – something that made him relate to Rowena's pain? Had Lucifer done to him what he had done to Rowena?

"Why didn't you tell us?" Dean inquired.

"It wasn't my place to tell," you replied. "And it's not really something you tell people over coffee. Rowena wanted to keep it a secret, so we did."

"Shit!" he cursed.

"If we'd known –" Sam started.

"She would've still wanted to do this," you said. "You wouldn't've been able to stop her."

You – her _girlfriend_ – haven't been able to stop her. If Sam and Dean had tried to, Rowena would have found a way to do it – if for no reason other than spite. She always got what she wanted, no matter how stupid or dangerous it was.

"If you'll excuse me, I gotta go find my girlfriend!" Before leaving, you gave them a final look. "Oh, and guys? Don't pity her, okay? She doesn't like that."

Seeing your frantic expression as you looked around, desperately searching for Rowena, Mary pointed you to the bathroom. You didn't wait for instructions. You knew the bunker well, having been there countless times. Mary was baffled, looking from you to her boys in confusion and asking what was going on.

"Give us a few minutes, okay?" you asked. You couldn't comfort Rowena if there were people outside the door listening in and constantly asking what was wrong. "Please."

"Of course," Sam said, both him and Dean giving a swift nod.

"Thank you."

You heard chatter as you headed for the bathroom, Mary asking more questions and the boys no doubt giving answers. Whatever they told her, you hoped neither of them treated Rowena differently. What happened, happened. She couldn't change it. What she could do, though, was keep on living her life as she always had. Being given strange, pitying looks would crush her.

Slowly approaching the door, you gave it a knock – a light one as to not startle her. There was no way to predict the exact state she was in, but knowing what happened back when she _thought_ she'd seen Lucifer, you had no doubt actually seeing him had broken her into pieces.

His threats were just words – he had no way of acting on them. But sometimes words hurt more than actions. And words he's said to her were bound to cause damage.

Never before have you felt this rage, boiling, seething, ticking in you like a bomb nearing explosion. You wanted to hurt him. You wanted to cause him pain he'd never experienced before, pain he would remember for the rest of his miserable existence in the cage. Have you not been worried about Rowena, you would have stayed in the dungeon and tortured him until that smirk on his face faded into oblivion, never to be formed again.

"Rowena?" you called softly. "Sweetheart? It's me."

Muffled cries sounded as a response. Eyes watering at the thought of the pain she was in, you cursed the bunker's paper-thin walls. Would Sam, Dean, and Mary hear her crying? Would they hear you comforting her? A part of you didn't care. The most important thing was getting Rowena the help she needed. On the other hand, the idea that someone could hear your private conversation wasn't very appealing.

Taking a breath and deciding that you didn't care, Rowena's safety taking precedence over petty concerns, you said: "I'm coming in, okay?"

When no protests came, you opened the door. Rowena stood leaned against the wall, back turned to you. Your heart ached as you took in her trembling, crying form, shattering into pieces you weren't sure you could put together again. Your girl didn't deserve this. For all her sins, she didn't deserve to be hurt like this.

Closing the door behind her, you carefully approached her. If there was one thing Rowena never turned away, it was a hug. Whenever she was in need of comfort, she would crawl into your embrace. Your arms were like a safety blanket, protecting her from the world's evils.

As soon as your outstretched hand touched her shoulder, she twitched. Without a warning, a force pushed into you, as if a giant, invisible fist punched you. You slammed into the door, letting out a painful groan as the pain of the impact exploded in your back. The magic held you in place, rendering your limbs useless. No matter how hard you tried to resist, you couldn't even move a finger.

Panic settled in you, forcing tears to spill from your eyes. You knew Rowena hadn't meant to do that, but the fact that it happened terrified you to the core. At the restaurant it was just lights and windows. Now, her magic had gone after a person.

"Rowena, please, let me go," you begged, struggling to breathe under the weight of the magic pressing into your body. "Please. You're hurting me."

As soon as the words left your mouth, Rowena turned to look at you. Her eyes, puffy and swollen from tears, widened, fear of what was happening – what _she_ was doing – spreading across her face. Closing her eyes for a short moment, she slowly but firmly took control of her magic, willing it to release you.

Invisible bonds loosening their hold on you, you started panting, taking in breath after breath. Your heart beat wildly and you swallowed, trying to stabilize your breathing. _Relax,_ you told yourself, urging your body to listen to your mind. It was just an accident. She didn't mean to hurt you.

"I'm sorry," she said in a small voice, tears falling down her face with each word.

"It's okay. I'm okay," you assured her, straightening up. Part of the blame for this was on you. You shouldn't have reached out to touch her in her condition. You should have asked for permission first. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have touched you."

Rowena let out a sob, bringing her hands to her face to wipe away the tears. "It hurts," she cried.

"What hurts, sweetheart?" you asked.

"Everything! It's like my wounds never healed!"

 _Oh, god._ You could tend to visible wounds, but invisible ones were out of your jurisdiction. What were you supposed to say? That it was going to get better? It didn't look like it was. Every time it seemed she was going forward in her recovery, something would happen to push her a few steps back. Nice words and hugs could only do so much.

"I feel him again!" she continued. "I feel him inside of me! It hurts so much! I want him gone! It _hurts!"_

"It's not real," you told her.

"I know that!" she snapped, then took a small breath to calm down. "I know it's not real, but it still hurts! Make it stop!"

"How?" you whimpered, tears of your own falling once again.

"Just make it stop!" Rowena continued in panic, voice breaking with each spoken word.

"Tell me how to do it and I will!" you exclaimed. You weren't a counselor, and you most certainly weren't a therapist. You could hold her and comfort her and whisper kind things to her, but that was all instinct. You would feel that was what she needed, so you'd do it, hoping every time that it would be enough. For the most part it was. But now… now you weren't sure what to do. For the first time in a long, long while, you were lost. "Tell me how to help you!"

Her eyes found yours and the look in them, so broken, so powerless, shattered you. "I don't know," she said weakly, tone barely above a whisper. Covering her face with her hands, she wept into them, inconsolably, helplessly, as if the entire world's pain gathered up inside her heart, tearing her apart bit by bit.

"Come here," you said, opening up your arms. She allowed herself to peek at you through her fingers, giving you a wounded look. "It's okay. You're not gonna hurt me. Come here, sweetheart."

Slowly, cautiously, she nestled into your embrace. You held her close, arms wrapped around her tiny form like a blanket, safe and warm. Each of her cries was like a knife to your heart. You've been hurt before, but no pain could be compared to this. Your girl was hurting and there was nothing you could do to help her. No pain of your own, mental or physical, could compare to that of helplessness.

Rowena was falling apart right in front of you and you couldn't do anything.

"Why?" you whispered, more to yourself than her. Why was this happening? Why couldn't you help her? Why wasn't she, after everything you've done for her, after all your sacrifices and sleepless nights, getting better? "Why did you have to go see him?"

If she hadn't insisted on seeing Lucifer, none of this would have happened. She could have simply casted the spell and sent him back to the cage without a word spoken to him or a look thrown in his direction. Why did she have to throw all the progress she'd made away for a few minutes with him? Why couldn't she just cast the damn spell and keep on with her life?

Rowena's cries quieted down. She took a few breaths to steady herself before responding: "I just did."

"You didn't. You didn't. You didn't!" Gasping for a breath, you found yourself bursting into tears of your own once again. You couldn't take this anymore. You thought you were up to this, but you weren't even close. "Why, Rowena? Why couldn't you just cast the spell and walk away?"

Rowena swallowed before replying. "I needed him to see that I won."

Only, it looked as if he had been the victorious one. He'd been imprisoned and chained up, yet right now he was most likely laughing while she was falling apart in your arms, seemingly never to be whole again.

"Darling, why did this happen?" she suddenly asked, choking back a sob. "Why did I let him do this to me?"

"You didn't _let_ him. It's… it's trauma. You can't control it." By god, you wished _you_ could. Maybe then she wouldn't hurt like this anymore. Maybe then you would actually feel useful for right now, you've never felt more useless. Why wouldn't your usual methods work? Why couldn't your embrace calm her down?

"I don't feel like myself anymore," Rowena admitted. "He took everything from me, and I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him long enough to take at least some of it back."

"He didn't take everything," you told her firmly, a bit hurt at the insinuation. "I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere. He will never take that."

"It's not enough," Rowena said.

The harshness of her words, however non-harmful she meant them as, stung, as if she stabbed you straight through the heart. They echoed in your head, like a broken telephone repeating the same message over and over.

_"It's not enough."_

_"It's not enough."_

_"It's not enough."_

Why weren't you enough?

You sacrificed everything for her. For the past two months, your life revolved solely around her. Her needs and desires came first. _She_ came first. You made sure to treat her wounds with utmost care. You kissed her bruises, bandaged her cuts, and soothed her ailments. Every time she broke down, you were there with open arms. If she had nightmares, you would stay up and hold her to make her feel safe to sleep again.

Why wasn't it enough?

Why weren't _you_ enough?

Slowly, you released her, stepping back from the hug. "What do you want, then, Rowena?" It came out harsher than you intended and you almost – _almost_ – felt guilty. Had the pressure not been pounding on you, its massive weight pressing on your shoulders, you would have.

Rowena was taken aback by your sudden harshness. She mouthed to say something, but you cut her off, lost in your rant.

"What more could you possibly want from me? These past two months I've done nothing but care for you! Yet, no matter how much I give, it's never enough! Something always happens and it's like all the progress you've made vanishes and you're back at square one!" You took a breath to compose yourself, wiping away the tears rushing down your face. "I knew this would happen. I _knew_ it! And I told you not to see him, but you had to do it anyway, and here we are again. If you don't care about my opinion, why are you even with me?"

Rowena just stared, shocked by your outburst. Her eyes, puffy and red-rimmed, locked with yours, not daring to look away. Her mouth trembled, and for a moment it seemed as if she would break into sobs again, but this time she managed to remain silent. A single tear slid down her cheek, more pooling in its stead. She looked like a wounded puppy, and your heart hurt at the thought of causing her any more pain. You hated it, hated yourself for doing this to her, but you needed to let it out.

"I can't do this anymore," you said a tad quieter. "It's too much. I can't."

And just like that, your own sobs overcame you.

* * *

Rowena was frozen in place.

She could do nothing but stare as the storm of words left your mouth, each harsher than she'd ever heard before. She couldn't help the tears spilling down her cheeks, every word of yours speeding their flow. The phantom pains had almost completely faded, their intensity replaced by that of the throbbing pain in her heart, as if someone had grabbed it and dug long, sharp talons into it.

She expected you to be overwhelmed. Hell, she, herself, would have been overwhelmed had she had to care for another person for months. But this? Never, in her wildest dreams, had Rowena thought it could be this bad. She shouldn't have been surprised, though. Thinking back, she remembered all the times you looked to be on the verge of a breakdown, only to swallow it and put on a brave face for her.

The pressure you were under was enormous. It was only a matter of time before you snapped.

She was selfish, she realized, thinking to all the times you neglected your feelings for her, acting as if nothing was wrong when, in fact, as it turns out, everything was. Rowena never bothered to find out the truth, instead focusing on herself. She never asked if you could help her – she took it as a given, as if she were entitled to it. She took and took and took, never asking if you were willing to give.

Your confession that she wasn't a burden and that you liked taking care of her didn't mean you were willing, or able to, devote your entire life to tend to her every need. After all, you were both adults. Rowena had centuries on you. She was your lover, not your child. As overprotective as you were, there were things you – as much as you wished to – couldn't do.

Everyone has a breaking point. This, it seemed, was yours.

"I don't mind taking care of you," you continued after a few quiet moments, "but I can't do it anymore! Nothing I do is helping! I'm not blaming you. I know it's not your fault, these things take time. It's just… It's too much. I can't handle it. I thought I could, but I can't. I just can't."

"Darling, I…" _I'm sorry._ She could say it. She _had_ to say it. Apologizing came hard to Rowena; it was something she avoided unless it was absolutely necessary, and even then, she preferred to show her apology rather than say it out loud. Chastising herself for being ungrateful, for after everything you've done for her, an apology was the least that you deserved, Rowena took a breath for courage and said: "I'm sorry."

It only seemed to have made you cry more. "Cas and Crowley are dead!" you wept, clasping your hands over your mouth to hold back the sobs.

"I know," Rowena whispered.

"They're dead," you continued, as if she hadn't said a word. "They were my friends. I lost them, too."

"I know, darling."

"You never even asked!"

She hadn't. She was too caught up in her own grief that she never even thought to ask how you were feeling. She'd lost a son, yes, but you had lost two dear friends. You never got to say goodbye to them. You never even thought to think about them, spending day after day nursing her back to health.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I was selfish."

"You were," you agreed.

"I should have asked how you felt."

"You should have." A whimper escaped you. "Why didn't you, Rowena? I needed you!"

"I took you for granted, Y/N," Rowena said. "I realize that now. It was wrong of me to do that and I apologize." Carefully, she approached you, bringing her hands to your cheeks. Your skin was hot against hers, wet with tears. "You mean so much to me, darling. You've been with me through everything, and I've grown to feel entitled to it. I never even thought to ask if that was what you wanted. I'm sorry."

Looking into her eyes, you gave a small nod. You clasped your hands over hers, twining your fingers together. "I'm sorry, too," you whispered in a small voice.

Shaking her head, Rowena said: "No, this is all my fault. I brought Lucifer into our lives."

She remembered your warnings, remembered you telling her it was a bad idea to trust him. But she was too starstruck to care. The man she'd been seeing in her dreams was kind and charming. He promised her the world at a time when she most desired it. Never had she thought that it would end the way it had.

But you knew. You knew the entire time and she ignored your warnings. And because of that you had to suffer the sigh of her falling dead to the ground, unable to do anything but watch and cry in silence, hoping you wouldn't be discovered.

She came back to life a few moments afterwards, but the scene stayed with you. You never said it out loud, but Rowena could see it. Your demeanor had changed afterwards. You'd become more protective, acting more like a partner than an acquaintance.

A couple months later, you were dating.

You were worried sick when Lucifer had kidnapped her months later. It took Rowena ages to convince you that she was fine, that no lasting damage had been done.

And then, over half a year after that, he tortured and raped her.

And, just like all those times before, it was up to you to pick up the pieces.

"You couldn't have known," you told her in an attempt to comfort her.

You were doing it again, putting her first despite your own feelings. "He's the deceiver! I not only could have known, but I should have! Don't dumb yourself down for me! I know what I've done. For once just look me in the eye and tell me the truth."

She hadn't meant for it to come out as harshly as it had, but it got her point across. You looked at her with determination she hadn't seen in a while and had she not known you, Rowena would have thought you wanted to hit her.

"Fine! You fucked up, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? You fucked up." You swallowed a lump in your throat. "You chose him over me! And now I have to live in fear, all because you fucked up! Why haven't you listened to me? What made you trust him more than me?"

"I was stupid," Rowena admitted.

"You were."

"I wasn't thinking."

"You weren't."

"I thought power would make me happy, but it wouldn't. _You_ make me happy, Y/N. It wasn't power that I needed – it was you. I've done you so much wrong, darling. How you found it in you to forgive me is a mystery."

"I love you," was the answer you provided, accompanying it with a small, sad smile.

"As do I you," Rowena responded. You opened your arms for her and without another word she found herself nestling into your chest again, wrapping her own arms around your middle. You rested your cheek against the top of her head, tears sliding into her hair, cool against her scalp.

As her breathing slowed down, Rowena realized her pain was all but gone. Its remnants still throbbed, but for the most part, her body was at peace, long gone wounds sent back to the past where they belonged. Lucifer's hands on her were no more. Now it was only you; your touch, your warmth, your safety. And to think she took it for granted…

You would always be here for her. All she needed to do was ask, and you would leave everything and hold her. She needed to respect your boundaries and take your feelings into consideration. No longer would she just take. From now on, she would also give.

The two of you remained this way for what seemed like forever, basking in the comfort the other's arms provided. Finally, no longer able to keep quiet, you broke the silence.

"Sweetheart?" Your voice was sweet, tender, all previous roughness gone.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"It's quite alright, my dear. I needed to hear it."

You nodded, letting out a breath of relief. Did you really think she would be mad at you? After the pressure she'd put you under, the last thing Rowena could do was be angry at you for cracking under it. It wouldn't be right.

Stepping back, you cupped her cheek and looked her in the eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," she replied.

"Anything hurt?"

She shook her head.

You smiled. "That's good." Bringing her hand to your lips, you pressed a kiss to her knuckles, then leaned forward to kiss her cheek.

Cracking a smile of her own, Rowena said: "How about we finish what we came here for?"

"If you're ready," you said.

"I am," she replied with a nod.

You were obviously less than thrilled about it, but you allowed your smile to widen, knowing it was necessary. Lucifer needed to go. And the only way for it to happen was for Rowena to cast the spell.

"Okay," you said, giving her a quick peck on the lips. Linking your hands, the two of you exited the bathroom, ready to put an end to this nightmare once and for all.

Rowena wasn't too happy about the Winchesters knowing what had happened to her. The past couldn't be changed, though; as unpleasant as it was to have her frenemies know about the worst moment of her life, she had to deal with it. She was a survivor. If she could survive the torture and rape, then she could survive this. And if it got too difficult, you would be there with open eyes.

"Let's get spell-casting, lads!" she told them as their eyes found hers, pulling on a bright, determined smile. "There's a devil in need of his cage!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editor: [OswinTheStrange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OswinTheStrange/).
> 
> I was inspired to write this chapter by a comment left by an anon who goes by A. A, if you're reading this, thank you very much! Also, I would like to thank my bestie [BewitchedSquirrel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BewitchedSquirrel/) for sharing her experiences with me and thus helping me write this!
> 
> I'm not too happy with this chapter, but I hope it turned out alright. Let me know what you think!


	9. Freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the feedback made me very happy! Thank you!

It was quiet.

Too quiet for your liking, but, you concluded, silence was better than pity. You thought they would slip, but Sam and Dean did what you asked and treated Rowena the same way they always had. If there was pity, they didn't show it. Their faces, though, were full of compassion, but for the most part, they managed to act as if nothing had ever happened.

As if they haven't found out that Lucifer, along with torturing her with the intent of killing her, had also raped her.

It was obvious, from the way Mary looked at Rowena whenever the witch wasn't facing her, that Sam and Dean had told her what happened. Thankfully, just like her sons, the woman had enough decency to keep to herself. Accidental slip ups were to be expected, but for now each of the three Winchesters seemed to be doing their best not to let their newfound knowledge make them treat Rowena differently.

You assisted Rowena in preparing the spell, helping carry the necessary ingredients to the basement. The spell had to be cast in as close a proximity to Lucifer as possible and it was agreed that it was to be done outside the dungeon.

Dean, in a moment of brilliance, thought to gag the devil to prevent him from making unnecessary commentary. Lucifer didn't let that deter him. His eyes were glued to Rowena, carefully observing every movement she made.

You instructed her to pay him no mind. She did as she was told, never once looking at him, not even sparing him a glance from the corner of her eye. Even being this close to him was causing her pain. She said nothing, but you could see it in her eyes. Had there not been an audience, she would have allowed the tears to fall. After everything that monster had done to her, it was no wonder she hated the thought of being this close to him. You would never have been able to go back down here and cast the spell with his eyes all over you; that intense, piercing gaze undressing you as if you were nothing but an object for him to do as he pleased with.

You could say all you wanted about Rowena, but she was incredibly strong.

"You ready?" you asked, gently placing a hand on Rowena's shoulder.

"Aye," she replied, looking up at you and giving you a small, brave smile. "Let's do this."

You took a step aside as she started chanting. A few more minutes and this was all going to be over. It almost felt like a dream, and a part of you feared that you would open your eyes any minute now and find yourself stuck in some reality where Lucifer was still on the loose and you and your girl lived in fear of your own shadows.

What that man – if that monstrosity could even be called a man – had put you through couldn't be expressed in words. Rowena would never be the same again. The shadow of what he had done would hang over her for the rest of eternity. She could learn to live with it, but the memories would haunt her forever. No amount of healing was going to make them disappear.

You hoped you being there would be enough to make her feel at peace again. If there was one thing you knew for certain, it was that you were never going to leave her side. Never again. She was stuck with you, and you would help to the best of your ability.

Raising her head high, Rowena looked straight into Lucifer's eyes. Her lips widened, forming a smile that was equally proud and happy.

"Game over," she said, tone stern, victorious, as if she had just won the lottery and was joyous to announce it to the world.

Lucifer's eyes widened as she cast the final incantation. His body shook, eyes rolling back until the only thing you could see were whites. Painful moans and groans escaped his throat; had he not been gagged, his screams would, no doubt, have been piercing. He trembled like an addict yearning for a fix, limbs twitching and swinging backwards and forwards.

Finally, his eyes and mouth glowed bright. Covering your eyes with your hand, you peeked through your fingers, unwilling to miss his departure. His pale skin glistened, its glow growing stronger until it matched the one of his mouth and eyes. The light shone brightly, slowly engulfing the entirety of his body until every piece of him was white, as if he was made out of light itself.

With one final groan, the light brightened, forcing everyone to cover their eyes once more. When you opened them, you couldn't suppress a surprised gasp.

Lucifer wasn't there.

The chair he was tied to was broken. Pieces of the gag and clothing laid in messy heaps, as if scattered around by wind. They were accompanied by chunks of flesh, alongside pools and droplets of blood.

"What the hell?"

Dean was first to express his confusion, walking over to the blood to examine it.

"Is he…?" Sam trailed off, looking from his brother to Rowena.

The witch nodded. "He's gone."

"That's… not quite what I was expecting," Mary commented, joining Dean in the dungeon.

A knowing smile playing on your lips, you looked at Rowena. She smiled back, giving you a wink. What kind of a witch would you be if you'd missed the little spell she'd thrown in? She may not have gotten to lay a hand on him, but she did manage to make his return to the cage very painful. If he were to ever escape again, let him try to make his vessel whole again.

If there was one thing that should never be underestimated, it was Rowena's vengeful nature. No one hurt her and got away with it.

"You did it," you said, shooting Rowena a proud smile.

"I did it," she confirmed. Then her face fell. "I just hope no one will be stupid enough to help him escape again."

"Hey, hey." Taking both of her hands into yours, you looked her in the eyes. "Don't do that. You aren't the only one who had a hand in it," you said, thinking back to your fallen friends. Castiel had been the one who let Lucifer into his body, while Crowley sabotaged her first spell to return him to the cage. If anyone should have been blamed, it was them. And unlike them, Rowena had acknowledged her mistakes and taken responsibility for her actions. You loved your friends dearly, but you couldn't let your girlfriend take the fall for something she hadn't done. She'd only had a hand in Lucifer getting free –the two of them had active roles in it. "And unlike them, you made it right. Don't beat yourself up."

Nodding, Rowena wrapped her arms around you, holding you tight. You were used to taking the lead, but this time you let her be in charge. It felt good to see her confident again, taking control like she used to. Even if it was something as trivial as a hug, it meant the world to you.

"You're the bravest person I know," you told her. And the craziest. And the toughest. And the loveliest. The most wonderful girl in the world, and she was all yours. Blood rushed to your cheeks at the thought, burning them red. Rowena was difficult to acquire and even more difficult to love, and she was all yours. She loved you as much as you loved her. Nothing in the whole wide world could compare to that.

"You flatter me," she said with a chuckle.

"It's the truth," you said. "You're special."

"The good kind, I hope."

"The best," you said. "I love you, Rowena."

"And I love you, Y/N," she said. "With all I have."

The Winchesters gave her a look as soon as she said that, but wisely chose to remain quiet. It was about time they saw there was more to Rowena than met the eye. They knew her as the tough as nails, murderous wicked witch. That's what most people saw when they looked at her. A cruel creature with a heart of ice. A witch – less than a person, more than a monster. A thing that existed solely to kill and be killed.

The world treated her like that, so that was what she became.

You were glad you managed to look through that and see the person that she truly was.

No one cared enough to get to know her. No one wanted to waste time in attempting to see how she felt. She hurt and suffered, but no one gave a damn about her pain. All they saw was a thing that didn't deserve to live for the sole reason that she had magic coursing through her veins.

When she agreed to be your teacher, you made it your mission to see the woman behind the witch. And it worked. It took time and work, but she opened up to you, let you see behind her walls, allowed you to get to know the kind person that hid underneath layers of cold, thick ice. The kind person that, in turn, allowed herself to love you back.

She hid it for a long while, fearing the world would think her weak. Even after she admitted to herself, and later to you, what she'd gotten herself into, she still preferred to keep her affections at bare minimum while in public. She had nothing against hugging, kissing, and holding hands, as long as you initiated it. Until you were in the privacy of your home, she would never make the first move, never initiate a hug or say she loves you.

Until now.

Judging by her demeanor, you concluded she didn't care anymore. She didn't care that anyone saw, didn't care that they heard and were giving her surprised looks. It was as if she _wanted_ them to hear.

You supposed it made sense. Sam, Dean, and Mary knew what Lucifer had done to her. The brothers were there when he'd said, in explicit detail, what he had done and explained what he intended to do. If they could hear the bad, then they could hear the good.

Stepping back, you cupped her cheek. "How do you feel?"

Rowena pondered on it for a moment. "Free," she finally responded, looking you directly in the eyes. A smile broke out on her face, lighting it up. The old Rowena, the one you missed so much, was back. And you hoped with your entire being that she stays. "I feel free."

And with that she locked her lips with yours in a hungry kiss.

* * *

Sam and Dean were your friends, but you couldn't wait to say goodbye to them. Now that Lucifer was gone, you wanted to spend as much time as possible with Rowena. You were eager to start your lives anew, free of the devil's shadow looming over you.

The brothers appeared to be understanding. They tried their hardest not to let it show, but they let sympathy for Rowena slip a few times. The proud witch was quick to pick up on it, making sure to reward them with a glare any time they'd accidentally say or do something that could easily be mistaken for pity. She made it clear she wanted things to remain the way they were. Lucifer may have hurt her, but she wasn't a victim.

She was a survivor.

Sam and Dean didn't mind you asking them not to call for help, respecting the fact that you and Rowena needed time for yourselves. When you were ready to be at their disposal again, you would give them a call. Until then you desired to be left alone.

Rowena slept peacefully that night. You made sure to stay awake a while to make sure she would be alright; back when she'd thought she'd seen Lucifer, nightmares had haunted her dreams for days. Now, though, she appeared to be at peace.

Once you were sure she was fine, you wasted no time snuggling up to her and drifting into dreams of your own. Much like her, you were at ease. There was no more fear that something would happen keeping you awake, no more worrying about whether the warding on your apartment was strong enough to keep Lucifer out if he were to attack in the middle of the night. It was all behind you now.

Rowena wasn't the only one who felt free.

The touch of something soft woke you up. Opening your eyes, you smiled at the realization that it was Rowena kissing you.

"Sorry for waking you, darling," she said, looking genuinely apologetic. "I just wanted to give you a kiss."

You could never be mad at her over something so innocent. "It's time I woke up anyway." Rubbing your eyes, you were surprised to see her clad in a robe, hair already combed. When had she woken up? "You're up early."

"There's a first time for everything," she said, smiling. "Come, now. I've got a wee surprise for you."

"Really?" you beamed, intrigued. Rowena rarely surprised you. "What is it?"

"Come with me and you'll see."

Taking her hand, you let her take you to the kitchen. Your smile widened at the sight of food on the table, the delicious scents immediately attacking your nostrils.

"Is that–"

"Aye, your favorite," Rowena said. "Made your over-sugared coffee, as well." She pointed to a cup of coffee on the island, placed next to a cup of tea, both steaming, obviously freshly made. "And a wee dessert in the fridge."

"All for me?" you said in awe, mesmerized by what you were hearing. Rowena hated preparing food, yet she did all that without a word from you.

"Aye," she confirmed.

"You didn't have to do that." You didn't want her to feel obligated to do anything.

"Consider it a wee thank you gift. You've taken care of me for all this time. Let me take care of you for a bit."

Your favorite food was on the table, coffee waited for you on the island, dessert was cooling in the fridge, and your girl looked the happiest you'd seen her in months. Were you still dreaming? This couldn't have been real.

Yet, it was.

Rowena led you to the island. Each taking a seat on a high chair, you linked hands, twining your fingers together. It felt good to just sit there without a care in the world. You didn't have to pretend to live a normal life anymore. Now that Lucifer was gone, you could live it to the fullest.

"Thank you, Rowena," you said, leaning forward to press your forehead to hers. "This is amazing."

"You deserve it, and so much more," she said.

"I don't want anything more. I just want you."

"I'm not going anywhere, darling," she promised, thinking back to the British Men of Letters. Not even a threat like that was going to separate the two of you again. "Never again."

"How are you feeling today?"

"Good."

Her face fell and she looked away, avoiding your gaze.

"What is it? What aren't you telling me?"

She swallowed. "I thought Lucifer being gone would make me feel better. And don't get me wrong. It does, but I still don't feel like myself. Not completely." She chuckled. "It's silly, I know. I'm being dramatic."

"No, sweetheart, you're not," you said, squeezing her hand. "You've been through a terrible ordeal. That kinda thing doesn't disappear overnight. It takes time."

"How much time?" she asked, tone desperate, pleading.

If only you knew. "It's different for everyone. However long it takes, know that I'll always be there for you. I don't know if it'll be enough, but I'll be there."

"You _are_ enough," Rowena said. "I didn't mean to say what I said."

"Rowena–"

"I don't know what I would've done if you weren't here. I wouldn't have been able to deal with this on my own. If it wasn't for you, I would probably be dead."

"Don't say that."

"It's true," she insisted. "I owe you a lot, Y/N. I will forever be grateful for everything you've done. It was selfish of me to say what I said."

"You weren't wrong," you told her, causing her to look up. "I'm not a therapist. I can hold you, but I can't help you heal. That's what therapists are for. If you want–"

"No," Rowena cut you off, hating the idea before you could ever present it.

"There's therapies and support groups for people like you."

"No," she repeated sternly, her tone leaving no room for argument. "I'm not letting some dobber pump me full of drugs–"

"You don't have to take drugs–"

"And I'm most certainly not telling my life story to a room full of fannies I don't even know."

"You don't have to do that, either."

Rowena sighed. "The answer is no."

"Could you at least think about it?" you asked. Therapy could provide her what you weren't able to. "I think it'd do you good."

"Y/N–"

"Please, give it a thought."

"I have given it a thought and the answer is no," she insisted.

"Fine," you said after a moment of silence. This was her decision to make. You weren't going to force her into anything. The last thing you wanted was to take away her consent in regards to an important thing such as this. Lack of consent was what did this to her, in the first place. "It's your decision. If you change your mind, let me know, okay?"

Rowena nodded. You knew she wasn't going to change her mind. A proud, stubborn creature like her would never expose herself to strangers. It was bad enough that the three Winchesters knew what happened to her. She couldn't bear the thought of anyone else finding out.

Wanting to change the subject, bitter at yourself for ruining the sweet moment, you said: "This coffee's so damn good."

"It's an atrocity," Rowena said, giving the mug in your hand a look of pure and utter offense.

"It's heavenly," you corrected her. "Make it for me every morning?"

"Only if you're good to me," she said.

You pouted. "When am I not good to you?"

"Pardon – if you're _extra_ good to me. If I'm murdering coffee-drinking cultures, I need a good reason."

"Since when do you need a good reason for murder?" you teased.

"Since I've grown a," she scrunched her face, disgusted at the thought, _"conscience._ I hate her. She's a cunt."

"Such big words for such a tiny girl."

"I'm Scottish. I can use _big_ words."

You giggled. "If it's any consolation, I like you with a conscience. You're so much nicer."

"Eh," she said. "It has its perks, I suppose."

"Yeah," you agreed, "like you having to make me coffee from now on 'cause I'd be unhappy if you didn't, and your conscience wouldn't like that."

Rowena narrowed her eyes at you. "You manipulative bitch."

"And you love me for it."

"Damn right." She captured your lips with hers in a brief, soft kiss.

"Hey," you said as you finished your coffee, watching Rowena slowly sipping her tea.

"Hm?"

"What do you say we go away somewhere?"

"Where?"

"Anywhere you want." You took a deep breath. You waited months to say this. "Back when you were still… hurt, I kinda made myself a promise to take you somewhere once this was all over."

Rowena stared at you in shock. "You did?"

"Aha," you said with a nod.

Her lips widened into a smile. "My bonny lass, always thinking of me."

"You're my girl. I'll always think of you," you said, reaching for her hand and bringing it to your lips to press a kiss to its top. "Anywhere you wanna go?"

"I've been to so many places," she said. "Why don't you decide?"

"Hmm…" You pondered on it for a moment. There were countless of places you wanted to visit. Thanks to Rowena's immortality spell, you would be able to go to every single one of them. You made yourself a promise to visit every place on your long, long list. As long a life as you were to have, you didn't want to waste a second. You never knew what might happen. "How about Scotland? I wanna see your home."

"That's a marvelous idea!" Rowena beamed.

You smiled. "And how about after that we just keep traveling? I wanna see the world with you."

She squeezed your hand. "We can go wherever you want, _whenever_ you want."

"Whenever, hm? Wanna book a ticket after we eat breakfast?" you suggested.

"Sounds perfect to me. Although…" She shot you a look full of sympathy. "I was wondering if we could do one wee thing today, or tomorrow, or whenever you're feeling up to it."

"What is it?" you asked, a bit worried.

"You never got to mourn Castiel and… Fergus." She gulped as her son's name fell from her lips. Taking a breath, she continued. "I thought we could make a wee memorial for them."

A memorial for those you'd lost? You never even thought about it. "I like that idea," you said, smile returning to your face.

Rowena raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

"Yeah. It's a nice thing to do." You kissed her hand once again. "Thank you, sweetheart. Wherever they are, I'm sure they'll love it."

"Or think we're bloody saps."

You chuckled. "Crowley would _so_ call us that."

"Where do you think he got it from?" Rowena said, shrugging nonchalantly.

"Fair point."

Both of you burst into laughter. It was nice to finally be able to laugh without fear, to enjoy your time together. It's been a while since you got to do that. After having lost it for so long, freedom tasted strange. It took losing it to realize how much you appreciated it.

Slowly, you were getting back used to it There was so much ahead of you, a life you couldn't even dream of. You didn't need riches and luxury to enjoy it. All you needed was Rowena. And she wasn't going anywhere.

"I love you, Y/N," Rowena said, pressing her forehead to yours again.

"I love you, too, sweetheart."

"Do you think things will ever go back to normal?" she inquired.

"Yeah. We just need to give it time."

"You will stay with me?'

"For as long as you want me."

"Don't ever leave."

"I won't," you promised. "Never. You're stuck with me."

Rowena chuckled. "That's all I ever wanted." And with that she kissed you.

And suddenly, it seemed as if life had meaning again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editor: [UltimateFandomTrash](http://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateFandomTrash/pseuds/UltimateFandomTrash/)
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with this story until the end! I loved all your wonderful comments and kudos'. This story was a journey and you guys made it a good one. Your support means a lot!
> 
> I'm sorry if the ending isn't satisfactory. I tried my best. Let me know what you think in the comments. :)


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